Steps

No, not of the 12 kind variety. 

I searched online today for apartments and jobs. The prospects are mostly grim. I live in an area high on cost of living, and low on average salary. This is mainly due to the region being home to several college and universities so the professor salaries push the real estate costs up, and the abundance of students means that most jobs are in the service industry and low-paying. I did submit my resume to one promising looking position. 

So, yeah. By leaving I will be increasing my expenses three-fold and likely cutting my salary in equal measure. My original plan was to stay until Lexie had transferred to a 4-year college at which time I would be able to relocate out of the area. But as I face the truth I simply cannot stand being here. Every cell in my body is ready to take flight.

Meanwhile, the "transition" for Roi will leave barely a hair out of place. He keeps his home, his business, his income, and all stability. He inflicts pain and feels none.

Dreams and Glorious Relief

This morning before I woke I had a long, rich dream. I was in a foreign land, starting my life over. I spent most of my time in an open market square filled with colorful people and things and sounds. I smiled a lot. I felt as if I were floating on a serene cloud taking it all in. 

In the dream I was attending classes at a college. In the hallway one day I ran into a man and felt an instant attraction. He was unlike anyone I had previously been attracted to, but there it was. He was a medical student, and when we crossed paths for the first time he was wearing scrubs. His dirty-blond hair was just this side of shaggy, the mark of someone whose work was more important than his fashion. His aura was rugged and buoyant. 

We spent the next couple of days attached at the hip when not in classes, enjoying each other immensely, though no physical intimacy passed between us except for the way our heads would touch, or our hips would bounce off the other's as we walked along laughing and talking. 

We shared one class, and I assumed we would sit together, but instead I saw him at the front of the class sitting with another woman, and what's more, he seemed as intimately close to her as he had been with me these last days. Their heads touched as they talked and laughed. 

I tried to leave the class room, but realized I couldn't. 

The dream ended there, and it's not terribly shocking is it? Another dream about "what it seems is not what it is". Except I woke up feeling calm. My mind had unclenched. And it was glorious! 

Though this dream runs along a recurring theme of duplicity, there was something different. I didn't feel so overwhelmingly shocked at this man's duplicity so much as I felt an "oh". Simple as that. It is the same message of duplicity, but with a slightly different message and I can't help but feel that my painful work has indeed freed my deeper inner instincts to once again do their job properly. They are pulsing strong, taking the reins, and I am being returned to my own center.

"It's Bad"

Two "take-in" appointments today. One with the therapist Roi made an appointment with. I could see that she wasn't sure she could help us. I could see that what she saw was as bad as I think it is.

Then the dentist. Through this whole mess my health insurance has been spotty, and I haven't been to the dentist in three years as a result. Things are in bad shape, and my dental coverage is limited. It won't cover the root canal I'm going to need or the three other fillings.

The Universe keeps sending me the same message, and I am listening.

I can feel that my mind is "preparing the ground" to leave, to clean up this mess, to heal, and to put it behind me. To disentangle, to find my voice and use it. I'm a little impatient that the "action" part isn't quite there yet. I want to feel motivated to start packing boxes, look for a little place, work to save the money, and look for another job, but it isn't there yet. 

And yet I know that the inner work that's happening, a force all its own, is indeed preparing the ground, and I trust it.

Trigger Fest

Nowhere else to dump this. 

After the nightmares last night, I woke up with a cold. HALT should really be HALTS to include sickness.  

So I'm sick and feeling the blah of a cold and Roi informs me he's going to get a massage because his back is hurting after helping a family member move out of her dorm. Most relationships? Big deal. Of course go and get a massage so you can feel better. 

Relationship afflicted by sex addiction? Partner who has a history with "erotic massage"? TRIGGER. 

I know the place he's going and I know it's reputable and holistic, not seedy. But STILL. Trigger. Just because they're professional doesn't mean Roi will be. Doesn't mean he won't be naked under a towel with a woman's hands all over his body. Doesn't mean he won't let the towel slip or be triggered himself. Doesn't mean he'll talk to me about it, or call his sponsor. Doesn't mean this won't set off his acting out. 

The whole week has been filled with triggers, and I've mostly been managing them reasonably well if you count that I've showered, worked, spent time with my children on Mother's Day, and haven't been picking fights with Roi. But they're there and they're building. His frequent absences all week, his wearing shorts (yes, it's warm -- so what?), his locking his computer or taking it with him, his utter lack of talking to me about what IS going on, that it's Spring coming on Summer and the beaches are opening.

All things in my life that were once non-issues or even things to celebrate and be happy about. Before my mind was hijacked. 

There are no easy solutions to dealing with these triggers. I'll meditate and breathe and probably give myself a warm bath with a good book, but I can't help seeing all of that effort as frankly, unfair. I did not turn sunshine and shorts and massages into nightmares.

Killer Cows

Last night I had two nightmares.

In the first I was on a farm, and naturally there were a lot of cows. By day they were the sweet, slow-moving, dull-witted creatures we know. At night their eyes glowed red and they were determined to take my life. They were swift, cunning, and murderous. 

It sounds comical, I'll admit, but the meaning is obvious. 

In the second dream I was standing at a bus stop in the city with Roi. I thought he was right behind me, so when someone was pressed up against the back of me inhaling the scent of my hair, I thought it was him. I moved to pull away and as I felt a strong hand slip over my mouth, and a strange voice in my ear, I knew it wasn't Roi. He pulled me out of the line and was attempting a sexual assault right there on the street. I could see Roi who had fallen behind in the line because he was distracted by his trance-like staring at another woman in a short skirt. He clearly had an erection. He was also clearly oblivious to my attack happening just feet away. 

Not so comical, but the meaning is again clear.

To the Hurting Mothers

Mother's Day is officially over, but I want to send this message anyway.

To the mothers that had to smile through the pain this Mother's Day, I bow down to you with the deepest respect and love. I know many of you here who are mothers, but live with the pain of your partner's sexual addiction, OR as the mother of an addict. 

For you I wish soothing salves and love. Be well. 

Inner and Outer Wrongs

Several years ago I was in a car accident that was without a doubt the fault of the other driver. He crossed my lane of traffic right in front of me without warning. I ended up with a back injury that radically altered my day to day life for close to a year. Thankfully I healed fully under the careful care of a Network Chiropractor who was also a Buddhist nun. 

When I was able to drive again, I noticed an unexpected impatience with other drivers' careless and thoughtless behaviors on the road. If someone was going too slow, or made an honest mistake, I was as patient as I had ever been (for the most part), but if someone didn't use their blinker AND they were driving aggressively, an anger would surge through me. 

The driver who had injured me had been both careless and aggressive. I know this because of his behavior on the road, but also because after the accident he tried to blame-shift the accident to me, and as I logically rejected each of his attempts to blame me, he would change his story, looming over me and getting louder. He was not only refusing to be held accountable, he was trying to throw me under a bus in order to do it.

I've not had success in quelling the surges of anger when someone on the road with me is driving like a jack-ass, but I've learned to recover myself more quickly, and I've realized that my anger is justified but I don't want it to extend more generally so I work to keep it in perspective. 

I get angry now at Roi a lot for what might look to someone like minor issues, and the anger flashes before I can contain it. But I've investigated this anger and it is clear that it is stemming from his careless and aggressive behaviors and his bullying of me to circumvent his accountability. Though his "aggressiveness" is often passive-aggressive, it is still aggressive.

We have two cars and three people in the house who might need them at any given time. Roi also has a motorcycle, so he is the only person in the house with two options. Lexie needs a car the most to get to her classes, and because she's a teenager and always has "places to go" and "people to see". Two days ago Roi had the second car for the entire day and I was effectively stranded at home. He'll be taking the car for the entire day tomorrow as well (and won't be here for Mother's Day, but that's another issue). As of last night he told me he would be spending the entire day today working at home to make up for lost time.

Per the usual, he came downstairs clearly ready to walk out the door without telling me where he was going OR asking me if I needed the car. When I told him I needed the car in an hour, he got huffy about it. He came back a couple minutes later and said, "Are you ACTUALLY going to leave at 11:30?", adding unnecessary emphasis on certain words. The words were a question, the tone an accusation. 

When I bristled, he said, "I didn't think it would hurt to ask."

I bristled more, angry at his tone and veiled accusation, and furthermore the attempt to not own the accusation for what it was. Is is part of a bigger pattern of his selfishness, his lack of care, his dismissal of my needs as important, and passive-aggressive bullying to get what he wants without being held accountable, and I've grown impatient with it. My anger flares and I shine a light on what is true and real rather than accepting his skewed coloring of the situations.

I describe this not to make excuses for my own behavior, but to examine what is wrong in my "inner and outer" world, and to find balance and honest "seeing". My anger is a clue to two things: that there is something wrong with my outer world (Roi's disrespectful and unkind behavior) and my inner world (my pattern of playing "nice" and expecting others to reciprocate and getting angry when they don't meet my expectations). 

So, JUST FOR TODAY, I'm going to pay attention to my real needs and state what I need clearly and let the rest go. 

As always, tomorrow can suck it.