This is a venty post. I'm freaking out about some things. A lot of things. But this morning Kyd informed me that all his plans to move out had fallen through. The roommates he thought he had have made other arrangements. His girlfriend can't move in with him either so he's now in the position of having to look for an apartment on his own. He also has to pay $100/week toward restitution for a DUI that got him in trouble three years ago.
On one hand, there's no way to make the math work, I get that. His current job doesn't pay near enough for him to have an apartment, pay utilities, buy groceries, and have some sort of transportation to and from work, never mind also paying the restitution.
On the other hand he's living in our living room, he's not picking up after himself, he pulls attitude on me when I point out the mess, and when he's not working or hanging out with his girlfriend (in our living room) he's sleeping. He sleeps 12 hours a night on most nights. And that math doesn't add up either. There are 4 more hours in there that could be used for a second job, to look for a better paying job, to help out around the house (and make extra money).
So when he throws his hands up at me and says, "what do you want me to do?!" I feel just a little bit like strangling his absurd self.
It was a hard enough sell with Roi and Lexie to let Kyd stay here temporarily, and we were all clear that Kyd needed very firm boundaries. He stayed mostly within bounds, but he's made no attempts to go above and I can't see Roi or Lexie being keen on the idea of Kyd hanging around much longer.
All of this on top of trying to make myself well again so I can make a "stay or go" decision and it's making me a little bonkers to think about that decision having "extras" added onto it.
I know the solution. Kyd is going to have to talk to Roi and Lexie himself. He's going to have to step up, a lot, in order for them to even consider it. He's going to have to lose the attitude and learn how to be humble and gracious. He doesn't have a choice.
I don't know if you meant it to happen, but I can see how writing this out led to the solution in the last paragraph. I've found this happening with me, in the past. It's like talking through our problems...giving our brain a way to de-loop and see different possible paths.
ReplyDeleteHang tough Briar. I think that you are doing the right thing. My son is going into his senior year in college and is a brilliant musician with AD/HD and no picnic to live with. I have already told him that he is NOT going to be living with us after he graduates. We love him to bits and he is welcome to visit, but that is all!
ReplyDeleteI know... we want to give them a chance to step up to the plate, but it won't work, for all of the reasons that you have stated here which sound identical to how my son would also be--identical. He reverts right back into being a dependent 12-yr-old... but with the rights of an adult... hmmm... I worry about him in terms of addictive behaviors, but so far, I think he's okay. He did take stim meds until he started college and I never regretted one day of it. I am wondering if Kyd has ADD or AD/HD and possibly Roi, too?
I have a theory that addictive behavior is closely connected or even a by-product to this neurological disorder and even in very high functioning autism, which our younger son has and has some overlap with ADD.
xo ~ L
Kelly, yes, venting about it and writing it out did bring me to solution. It has to be more clear though what "stepping up" means so I'm going to have to create a boundary contract or something like that with allowances for the occasional screw up. But honestly, I'm not sure he's going to be able to sell Lexie and Roi on it no matter what contract we draw up. In the meantime he's shooting himself in both feet.
ReplyDeleteLexie, ADD runs in my family, and Roi certainly thinks he might be ADD. The trouble is, I can't force Kyd to seek a diagnosis or treatment. I could make it a condition of him living here, but if I do that he won't be as cooperative as one should be when they are seeking help for themselves.
There is nowhere for him to go. We recently had a major tornado in the area so emergency housing is booked and wait-listed. I've been cruising craigslist (ha!) for roommate situations but most are $500-$600 per month and that won't solve his transportation problem for which he needs a road-legal car.
Ugh, it's a mess. If he weren't such an ingrate this would be much easier on all of us, but he just can't see his way to that. He sees it as me creating problems where there are none, even though I've bitten my tongue so many times I'm lucky to still have one.
Yeah... we started giving our son meds at 5. He was that out of control and it was a life saver. He stopped when he started college 3 yrs ago and quite frankly, I think it would still help him and I know he drinks with his friends and smokes dope, sometimes, but what's a mother to do? He's 21 now.
ReplyDeleteInteresting about the ADD connection. Its just adding fuel to my theory about addictions and ADD...
Does Kyd have a counselor? I know my son sees someone at his college for free and its been helpful to him, he says.
Kyd sounds like he might be depressed? Maybe he IS doing the best that he can at this time. Its something I've had to learn about my children. His attitude might actually, be him getting down on himself, but it comes out as being a little shit and he takes it out on his sig others. :( I feel for you, because I know what it feels like to be so exhausted-- emotionally, that one more burden feels insurmountable.
xo ~ L