It is late. I'm a wee bit tipsy lying here on the couch wondering where I should begin from where I left off. An hour ago I texted Kyd, a playful nudge to make contact. It's been nearly a week since I've heard from him.
Roi kicked him out of the house, twice. That's a complicated story, and I'm still sorting through the notes to piece together how I feel about all of it, so I'll get to that later. The uncomplicated parts are that it turned out Kyd wasn't sober - hadn't been the whole time he was living with us - and he wasn't working nor looking hard enough for work.
I was convinced it would be disastrous to throw him out into the world like this, and it was disastrous for a brief time, and then he found a job and an apartment.
Let me pause here and notice something with you. I live in two states when it comes to Kyd. I'm either in crisis/panic/everything-is-a-complete-disaster-and-it-will-never-be-better mode, or I'm in oh-my-god-don't-anybody-move-don't-anybody-breathe-lest-this-good-thing-get-screwed-up mode. In my defense, this is clearly a response to a pattern of crisis followed by brief hope-filled reprieves that do not last.
When I didn't hear from Kyd for a couple of days that then turned into a week - well, look, I knew, I knew that something in his new utopia had gone wrong. Mother's intuition, or whatever you call that sixth sense that partners/family members of addicts develop. But really, if a pattern repeats and repeats, is it really all that magical when one can predict what comes next?
I don't want to be right about such things. Not these things. I want the pattern to stop existing. I really really want to be proven wrong.
Have you heard back??? I hope he's okay, Briar...
ReplyDeleteI did hear from him and he's "ok" as far as I know except that he's upset about losing his job. Which makes me nervous so there's nothing I can do but pray that he's doing the next right thing.
ReplyDeleteJust wondering how things are?
ReplyDeleteSee my latest post, but with Kyd they are not good. He's slipping into hopelessness and resentment instead of actively looking for a job and another place to live.
DeleteBut really, if a pattern repeats and repeats, is it really all that magical when one can predict what comes next?
ReplyDeleteYes, and they do say that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, but I think there is still a bit of a sixth sense. How else can one explain that feeling we get in our gut when something goes wrong, before we even really know? Maybe, like you said, we already know because of the pattern.
There is a sixth sense too, but I still think it's our subconscious picking up on patterns we may not consciously be aware of. I don't know. Then again, sometimes it does seem nearly supernatural.
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