Lately things with the Kyd have been...ok. Not great, but ok. Knowing that I have no real control over Kyd's self-medicating addictions, or his mental states, I laid down some basic rules and boundaries to keep me and Lexi safe and to keep the chaos to a minimum.
He's not allowed to come home intoxicated. He's not allowed to invite anyone over without ok'ing it with me first. If either of these things happen, or if he causes other major disruptions including my being woken in the middle of the night by a call from him, his friends, or authorities, I will pack his things and help him find a half-way house to live in until he can figure something else out.
These boundaries are terrifying for me. I always had a rule with my kids that if they got into a situation they didn't feel safe in, that they could call me and I would come and get them, no questions asked. This works for Lexi, but not for Kyd. Such parent-child contracts are meant for the kid who may misstep but is able to learn from mistakes. Kyd doesn't.
He gets in trouble, I bail him out of trouble, and he goes right back to it.
So it terrifies me that I've had to set such a radical boundary that goes against my deep wish for my children's safety. I'm sad and angry that I can't have reasonable contracts with my son that help him to feel safe and loved, but instead I have to set major boundaries so that my daughter and I can feel secure in our own home.
Lexi once asked me why Kyd never seemed to learn. She was angry in part because she felt I came down harder on her for much smaller transgressions, and when she complained that I didn't come down this hard on Kyd I had to explain that I had many times, but he wasn't capable of learning the lessons he was meant to from consequences. I also pointed out that I rarely had to dish out consequences for her because she was so quick to learn.
She felt better, but I can understand her confusion. Even though I have a much tougher boundary for Kyd ultimately, there are smaller more reasonable boundaries I can't even think about having. I can't say, "don't drink" because he'll agree but it will be a lie. Then I would have to enforce a consequence for the lie, but first have to prove the lie. Even then, it wouldn't matter because he would break any consequence, or if not, his behavior wouldn't change. The lesson wouldn't be learned.
There's no rhyme or reason to most of Kyd's behavior. So much of it doesn't make sense. I don't know if things are calm at the moment because of my new, and very clear boundaries that only tackle the things I can't handle, or if it's just an upswing in his cycle.
All I know is that I'm living through this one tiny moment at a time.