Thursday, January 31, 2013

Mixed Bag Update

Oh my. Has it really been so long? July was my last post.

The good news is that this long hiatus essentially means that my neurofeedback and therapy worked well enough that I didn't need this outlet so much. The bad news is that I've lost touch with you few souls who I shared something with. An acknowledgment of wounds, of helping each other down unknown paths hoping it was towards some sort of light. 

Much is different and much is the same. I can safely say that I've been out of the deep depression for a good solid six months or so. I had to prematurely end things with my little cherub faced therapist because of insurance problems. She dug me out of the hole, pulled me away from the edge a bit, but sometimes...some things reach up out of that hole and wrap coldly around my ankles, gently tugging. Gently enough that I can notice so that I can just as gently unclasp the tendrils. 

I'm proud of that. And relieved. I'm more resilient than I gave myself credit for. 

But I wanted more, I wanted to keep working until I felt more robust. I'm not happy about the premature ending of therapy. I plan to resume as soon as it's feasible. 

I have a new job, finally. It is aligned with my values, but it's also intensely challenging and low paying. So it's a "for now" thing. 

Kyd is still free-wheeling on his personal karmic roller-coaster of wild upswings and disastrous plummets. I try not to board the ride with him, try to sit on my hands and wait on a nearby bench, listening and flinching at his shouts of joy and cries of despair. He recently camped out at our house for a week because he lost his living situation. While he was with us he also lost his job, which he held down for all of four weeks. It was per the usual, but I was deeply dismayed to learn that he lost his job for being late because he had done drugs the night before.

I decided I need to go back to Al-Anon after that. I'm sorry that many of you don't find it so, but Al-Anon depresses me. I'm missing something, obviously. Probably something to do with surrender. 


Roi. Just writing his (fake for the sake of anonymity) name makes me cringe. We're trying to do 12-steps together, but despite his sobriety I've found he can't stop pathologically lying - about every small thing. Or needing to control everything. And he finds that I criticize him just for breathing and get "overly" angry so he can't talk to me about anything. 

I could analyze this all out for you, but it's pointless. We're both tired of living in the relationship equivalent to a tornado aftermath, and yet neither of us is willing to slog through the mess and rebuild. Basically, I don't think we love each other. At all. 

So there's the cheerful update for anyone still listening. Some good things personally, and some sad things relationally. 

I don't know when I'll be back again, but love and light to you.