Friday, October 21, 2011

Lighter Ground

I've missed this space. I mean, I think I've missed this space. But then, Fall is coming on and I always write more in Autumn as I fold in on myself. 

Roi and I feel very very done, but I've stopped trying to predict what might or might not happen with us. There's been some recent drama - nothing nearly so awful as before, nothing even involving a woman as far as I know - just enough to focus an unforgiving spotlight on where we are with each other. A constant stand off where I can't let go of any more, can't be fed one more spoonful of bullshit, don't have the heart to give in even just a little and he feels persistently villainized, imprisoned far too long for misdemeanor crimes, a victim of the train-wreck he helped orchestrate. 

The possibilities for forgiveness and healing seem impossible given our positions, but this doesn't make me any more inclined to extend the slightest favor in his direction. Even while sometimes my silence feels like a favor. 

And as I caught up on the blogs I follow here I read about a friend who now regrets the compassion she gifted during her ex's amends because he hasn't changed his core diseased thinking. And that's what this is about for me now. That forgiveness is a tricky state of mind and can be used against one to excuse bad behavior and that's the bullshit I'm not going to swallow. I can forgive the existence of the disease, but not  the unfettered continuation of it.

In daily life, all this looks like is that Roi and I have become barely tolerant roommates and we make that work as best we can, each taking flight as often as possible to lighter ground where we can catch a break, catch our breath, and feel ok for a few hours.