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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

a room of her own

Kitten 2 is still alive so far. An hour ago we found her quivering under the bed again, breathing in short raspy breaths. The landlord had come over and frightened her into hiding with his deep baritones. 

Now she sits up against me cleaning herself, her fear forgotten. 

I am thinking about the new house and the extra bedroom. It's tiny and yellow and full of sun and I've claimed it for myself as my "writing room".  Which sounds heavenly under most any circumstances, but more so because I haven't had even a bedroom in over a year, never mind another room all to myself. Roi and I simply can't sleep in the same bed because he's such a light sleeper that even a small snore from me will set his teeth on edge the whole night, and while I'm a heavy sleeper he has such severe restless leg syndrome that he rattles the windows with his kicking. Only a corpse could sleep through that.

Now I will have a separate bedroom and the writing room. 

For however long I'm there. 

It was not my decision to buy this house. Despite what Roi thinks are good intentions it doesn't seem within his realm of abilities to think of us as an us. He thinks he thinks this way, but in reality he operates as though I'm along for the ride. He wants my approval on things, but that approval always has limited options created by him. 

Roi decided the market was right to buy a house and suddenly "we" were house-hunting. And what a roller-coaster that was for me, the ups and downs of which Roi seemed oblivious to. I had say in what I wanted, and the house we finally chose makes us both happy. And because he's buying it with his money and credit I'm not taking on any financial risk (I couldn't anyway even if I wanted to) but this makes it feel like it's "his" house and not ours. And given the ever present relationship problems, particularly around trust, it's created an emotional landscape of fluctuating hope and despair. I'm trying to ride the waves of these emotions with some amount of grace - trying to let a cool head prevail and look at only the logic of it. 

(to be continued...I have a neurofeedback appointment to run off to - let's see what funhouse of emotions this session leaves me with.)


8 comments:

  1. A separate room for sleeping and writing--full of light. Sounds like a good start. (((hugs)))

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    1. Two separate rooms for me, indeed. :)

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  2. I'm so glad the other kitten is hanging on. I'm also glad you have a bright and sunny room to call your own.

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    1. Yes, she's still not out of the danger zone of the disease her sister had but she seems ok so far. I'm glad of the little yellow room.

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  3. It sounds like you've got yourself a good little partner in that kitten! I hope moving into the new house, with your new room, brings you lots of good stuff. Moving can be a hard transition. I also hope that you're doing okay....the way Roi is handling the house situation would irritate me. It kind of irritates me for you. ;)But keep with your cool head, I'm sure it will serve you well. Being flexible in this life is a invaluable trait.

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  4. Kelly, I DO have a good little partner in kitten 2. She's a soul mate really. I saw it in her face when we rescued her. The shelter actually tried hard to dissuade me saying she had resisted socialization attempts and they weren't sure she would lose her feral-ness. I knew better. She fetches, sits up for treats, sits by my side, follows me from room to room like an imprinted duckling, and offers her belly to other members of the family for petting. She has a sweet soul.

    Anyway, it DOES irritate me how Roi is handling the house situation, as well as how he handles many other things. But this is the situation as it is right now so I have to figure out how not to lose myself in the irritation and stay focused on making sure my needs are met. But you can be irritated with him if you want to. ;) It makes me feel better, lol.

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  5. Yes, my little buddy is my doggy Tonka. He's so loyal and unaffected by my crazy life and emotions. He's the "man in my life" right now:)

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    1. Pets are wonderfully healing. And loyal. ;)

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