Tuesday, July 26, 2011

sweating bones

The days still flow on by, a relentless passage of time. I've watched movies, danced some more, cried on the therapist's couch, held hands with my daughter, laughed about things, walked out on a conversation I couldn't have (and then walked two and a half hours to home), gone swimming, drove in a thunderstorm, cooked things and then ate them, stayed up too late and slept too late, and conversed with various friends.

These days are my life such as it is at this point in time. 

Therapist says I have a resilient little brain that is responding well to treatment. She says I am different already from when I first came to her. I feel it too and we smile at each other. It's still only the beginning, which is frustrating at times, but I am determined to not just come back, but to come back reinvented - stronger, wiser, softer, grounded and fierce. 

I feel closer to letting Roi go. The "thing" of Roi. He's more sober than he's ever been and that's different. I haven't once caught him ogling another woman, haven't smelled alcohol, haven't seen the pinpoint pupils. Yet he is small without these things. A deflated, simpering thing dragging his wibbly soul around in the length of his arms which hang limp at his sides. One might think he's depressed, and that in itself is depressing; that sobriety doesn't suit him.

He wants to be happy. He wants to be happy with me he says. But his sad discontent drapes over his shoulders, sagging them and when I look at him, I think, "I just can't". 

Roi has a white, pasty, piggy-eyed friend who moved to the Philippines to live out his days in financial luxury and sexual decadence. He's already gotten one girl pregnant, and to his credit, is supporting her. Of course it hasn't stopped him from continuing to fuck as many desperate young women as he can in between working and sleeping. Roi says he sounds happy. I want him to feel sorry for his friend for having to buy a proximation of love and acceptance in a foreign country away from family and friends. An awkward clinging hope that somewhere in Roi is a noble man, but that's how I got here isn't it? Hoping for something to be what it's not. He doesn't pity mr. pig-eyes, he thinks its swell that he "figured things out". It probably means that when I leave Roi will pack his bags to solve his money, love, and sex problems. I won't want to know, but I'll know. I already know. 

A sadness sweats down the inside of my bones.


  1. I wonder which came first. The pig or the pig-eyes? Reminds me of Pinocchio when those little boys were lured onto that island with the promise of a life consisting of nothing but fun, games and all the sweets they could eat. And of course, it was all a ruse so that they could be turned into jackasses, and become slaves of the evil master, complete with tails and donkey ears. how frightening!

    Pleasure Island, it was called... hmmmm...

    I didn't realize until just now, what a powerful metaphor that truly was.

    hugs. ~ L

  2. Ah yes, back when every story had a moral. I was thinking about that the other day, how stories these days are just entertainment or narcissistic ramblings without morals at the end. Sad.

    But you're right, it was/is a great metaphor.

  3. That was a long walk home..

    Although I have no experience with this kind of relationship, there is something not right about it that comes across the page. I find myself hoping you get out of it at some point.

    At any rate, you are working/trying to figure out what makes you tick, instead of just bitching about it. And of course, that is a good thing.

  4. And my hope for you is the day comes when you not only won't know what Roi is doing but just won't care. I KNOW it's just around the corner...

    hugs - the other L

  5. Lou, it was a long walk home and I still have the blisters to prove it. But it's progress. I walked away from an intolerable situation.

    As for the relationship, there is definitely something not right. There are a lot of things not right and I got very lost and very sick within the container of it. My primary goal is to bring myself back and add new skills so that I am no longer vulnerable to Roi or similar people. Progress is made every day.

    L - There will probably never be a day that I don't care at all, simply because I'm human. As therapist says, my continual shock and surprise over his behaviors is not foolishness, it is genuine and healthy. But I am reaching the stage where I care more/enough about my own well-being to not get drawn into it.

  6. With your walk home, it sounds like you enforced a boundary.

    With everything, it just sounds like you are a little bit bigger version of yourself. Stronger or fuller.

    It is sad to watch people live out their fates, but I say it is better to know that is where they are going than to be run over and dragged down in the process.

  7. Briar, I like your therapist, she gives great advice and equally great feedback. I'm glad you have her for support. And I really relate to the feelings of losing yourself and your unique preciousness to the daily unrelenting drama living with an imbalanced partner. It's bound to rub off and impact you and your environment. No different than the stinky bag of garbage accumulating more aroma. If you were a bear, no problem, but you're a tender sensitive human and that seems to complicate things a lot more!

    I can say from my personal experience in the past five months that I AM coming back, that my fear and shock is subsiding, that I'm not on edge all the time, and that I had zero, that's right zero, PMS symptoms in the past two cycles. That's huge, and I'm agreeing with Lou, that your determination to uncover and reveal your truth is courageous and thoughtful and hard. Much love to you through this tumultuous time...

  8. Kelly - so true.

    MA - I like my therapist too. A lot. And even though I'm still "in it" I AM coming back. The depression is gone, I feel less triggered, I'm setting boundaries left and right, I'm taking things in stride, I'm working better, I'm exercising again, I'm talking to friends again. No doubt in my mind that I'm in a difficult situation, but I'm coming back. :)