Friday, July 15, 2011

Return to Sender

An old friend of mine notified me on Facebook yesterday that he would be in town today and would I like to go out on the town, and could he stay over? I answered back, "no, not a good time". 

He called today because he didn't get my reply. 

There's a history here. Many many years ago we had an intense, though non-sexual, relationship. It was romantic, it was sensual, it was much more than friendship. There was longing, and chemistry, and attraction. There was sweaty dancing with our foreheads touched together, there were nights spent holding one another, there were hours of lounging about and touching, there were shoulder massages and hair caressing and hand-holding. But there was never kissing or sex or anything else within the sex category. He never tried and I would never have agreed.

He was, and still is, a sublime specimen of a man. Darkly masculine and deliciously, achingly delicate.

During our time together he was unflinchingly focused on me all hours of the day. He wrote poetry and songs for me. He cooked special foods for me. If I was away he waited for me. If I was not away he was at my side most every minute of our shared free time. And I drank it all in, all the intense unrequited beauty of it -- all the while aware it was childlike, a fairy-tale dreamy rendition of love.

I let him love me in this way without letting him all the way in. I was soft and luminous under his gaze, but I was centered. 

Now that I have the label, I would define him as a Sex and Love Addict, no question. Back then, without having a name for it, I knew that he could and would fall as intensely in love with any other woman. It was his need. 

I saw him last Autumn twice when he was in the area. I found myself guarded, suspicious of his attention, and kept him at arm's length. Where I was once soft without being thrown off-center, I was now jagged. I could not forgive his need. 

And today when he called I just simply said no. And for all that may seem sane and intelligent, I miss the me that once knew how to hold that luscious energy in my hands without letting it burn me.


  1. I'm not sure that it IS possible for a person to NOT get burned, no matter what when consorts with one of these characters. But, I know what you meant.

    Your description sounded very hot and I felt a twinge of regret and envy, because I suppose that I am a romantic at heart, but that has gotten me into big trouble, in the past. Of course, he's a S&LA. As soon as he would've caught you... then the "fun" would begin. ugh.

    So, I think your "no" was actually a very healthy response and shows a lot of personal growth. Isn't it good to know that we can now recognize the pathology before it has a chance to do us in?

    I'm sure that your refusal is like catnip for him, however. There's nothing more enticing than a "hard to get woman." ;)

    xo ~ L

  2. Lexie, what I'm saying though is that I DID recognize the pathology then, even without a name for it. Because I was centered I could soak in the good and stay clear of the toxin. You see? It's not him that I'm wanting or grieving, he doesn't matter. It's me. The loss of me, the wanting "me" back.

  3. After I found my husband's cyber sex chats that he left open on my lap top by "accident" five years ago, I have felt as though I've lost myself too...

    But quite frankly, in my case, that might not be such a bad thing. I like to think that maybe all of the shit that I've been wading through is an evolution of the self and one day, I will see that it was necessary to go through all of "that" first, in order to get to "this." (really great place!)

    I truly believe that.

    I think that you will find yourself where you need to be, in good time, Briar. I really do. :)


  4. I think it was very appropriate for you to answer in the way that you did, not to muddy any waters or to add complicated people to your life in an active way. Being strong is good for us when we do it in healthy ways.

  5. Oh yes, I'm not at all regretting saying no. That's what I needed to say right now. :)