Roi called the other day about money matters so I had to take the call. It's the first time we've spoken since he left other than one call about work (I had to take his place at a sales meeting).
He said he's been taking the time away to reflect on everything and it all boiled down to that he's sorry and he wants to step up, "man" up. I listened to his long dialogue mostly in silence. I searched all the corners of my body to find what was coming up and came up empty-handed.
It's not that I don't believe him. I think in this moment, at this time, he is truthfully sorry and I've wanted to hear that for a very long time. Too long a time. My ex-husband was very sorry after too long a time too. I was already gone from him when he finally lifted the veil from his eyes and saw the wreckage his drinking and control had caused in our marriage.
I can't say I'm already gone from Roi. I honestly don't know where my next steps will take me. My conscious thoughts on the matter are that I don't want to make nice with someone who I told every step of the way that I was faltering under the weight of his continued addiction and all the flavors of betrayal it brought, and the deep wounds in my family centered around Kyd's alcohol use and bold self-destruction. I don't want to make nice with someone who, for whatever reason, was so callous to my descent.
But where I am with Roi is something much different from those conscious thoughts, because it has to do with where I am with myself. I am in the underground of self, excavating old bones, meditating in the charnel grounds, and patiently gathering up.
I won't know where I am with Roi, or the world, until I've come back from my work.