Sunday, July 3, 2011

"I'm Sorry"

Roi called the other day about money matters so I had to take the call. It's the first time we've spoken since he left other than one call about work (I had to take his place at a sales meeting). 

He said he's been taking the time away to reflect on everything and it all boiled down to that he's sorry and he wants to step up, "man" up. I listened to his long dialogue mostly in silence. I searched all the corners of my body to find what was coming up and came up empty-handed. 

It's not that I don't believe him. I think in this moment, at this time, he is truthfully sorry and I've wanted to hear that for a very long time. Too long a time. My ex-husband was very sorry after too long a time too. I was already gone from him when he finally lifted the veil from his eyes and saw the wreckage his drinking and control had caused in our marriage. 

I can't say I'm already gone from Roi. I honestly don't know where my next steps will take me. My conscious thoughts on the matter are that I don't want to make nice with someone who I told every step of the way that I was faltering under the weight of his continued addiction and all the flavors of betrayal it brought, and the deep wounds in my family centered around Kyd's alcohol use and bold self-destruction. I don't want to make nice with someone who, for whatever reason, was so callous to my descent. 

But where I am with Roi is something much different from those conscious thoughts, because it has to do with where I am with myself. I am in the underground of self, excavating old bones, meditating in the charnel grounds, and patiently gathering up. 

I won't know where I am with Roi, or the world, until I've come back from my work.


  1. hmmm... I don't know... I so want to believe in his sincerity, but I'm struggling here to understand his motivation. As you said... this should've happened long ago, so why now? Why not months ago, when you so desperately needed his support?

    I'm so glad that you are holding onto "you." I really admire that.

    xo ~ L

  2. Oh, there's many theories. Perhaps he was so entrenched in his own patterns that he couldn't believe or see how sick I was becoming until I was at rock bottom. Perhaps it was because it started affecting his financial life which is one of the few areas he genuinely cares about.

    Perhaps he became sufficiently scared that I was going to start telling people in ways that could seriously damage his life and career.

    Perhaps hearing from the therapist woke him up.

    Perhaps now that I'm withdrawn from him emotionally it is "safe" for him to express his love -- after all SA is really an intimacy disorder. I've seen him be very remorseful over the way he's hurt his ex-girlfriends, and I'm sure he didn't express this remorse through changing of actions when it was still possible to save those relationships. Once we're "gone", only then is it safe to feel and express his remorse because it doesn't require that he change or be intimate.

    His apology, or knowing his motivation doesn't seem to change how I feel or the work I must do. If he is truly sorry he'll take the necessary actions for his own wellbeing.

  3. "I won't know where I am with Roi, or the world, until I've come back from my work."

    This is very sensible.

  4. Agree with of the most meaningful things i've heard on this walk of sex addiction/co-addiction disclosure and recovery is that 'there can't be an "us" until there is a "me." nor can I make a 'do i stay or do i go' decision about "us" until i've learned to live in my own body for awhile without floating away. Kudos to you for marching forward with your own well-being.

  5. Kelly, sensible perhaps. No choice? Definitely.

    dbiscuit, thanks for visiting. It's funny how you can hear that for a long time when you're dealing with addiction, and one day you either wake up to it, or you wake up and find you've retreated so far from life that all you've got left is yourself so you might as well get to know her and take care of her. I'm in the latter group, in case you couldn't guess.