When I started this blog I was deeply wounded; a victim.
At first I felt a victim of my son's undoing, and then I felt a victim of my partner's betrayals. When I hit ground-zero-minus-five I began to peel back the layers and self-witness an entire life of victimization. Abuses, bullying, betrayals.
At my last therapy session my therapist brought up something she had no idea was attached to deep wounds. We were into the neurofeedback by that time so I didn't get a chance to respond. All weekend I've been skirting around what this brings up for me but haven't been able to really touch it.
So I found myself back in the void, floating without feeling.
It seemed impossible that I could be processing, yet somehow I find myself feeling ready to shed the victim role. I read somewhere in Women Who Run With the Wolves a practice of creating a cape with all of the labels and injuries that create the "story" of our lives, and somehow creating the garment releases one from all that others have tried to make us. My theory is that creating a visually representative garment that one can choose "not to wear" puts it all in perspective.
I don't know if I'll do that, but I feel ready to connect with a different storyline, ready to plant different seeds down here on the ground, the fertile soil of ground-zero-minus-five.