Saturday, July 16, 2011

Wanted: Life GPS

I am startled by Roi's return, literally. He has come home nearly two hours earlier than he estimated and I jump in shocked surprise when I find I am not alone in the house. He laughs and apologizes and we hop and bumble awkwardly for a moment in our too small kitchen. He thrusts a plastic wrapped bundle of flowers towards me, opening and closing his arms. I feel like a rabbit suddenly exposed to the gnashing teeth of a wolf and I can't stop moving around the foot or so of space around him to pick up a dish, throw a scrap of paper away, rinse out a cup - so he admires the flowers himself describing his selection to me and how they look ever so much better here in the natural light from the window. 

I flash my teeth quickly and take the flowers from him as I sweep by. I think I throw a thank you in his direction, but I'm not sure. The flowers I drop in the dining room on my way to the front door with a bag of garbage. 

We spend the next hour passing each other as he unpacks and I scamper room to room spotting things that need to be returned to their proper places. Twitchy, skittish laughter accompanies each passing and we toss explanations up into the air around us about where we are off to next, and what might come after that. 

"Just tossing this into the laundry", and, "just going to go through all this mail", and "I've got to get to the recycling center before they close", and "I seem to have caught this cold so I'm just going to lie down for a bit". 

After he naps we lunch at a local cafe and gawk words at each other, one moment sharing a laugh over something and the next moment sliding our eyes toward the window or the food when we come too close to edges that still cut. He tells me about the archeology lecture and the tiny Maine island that was discovered with a 1940's schoolhouse still intact and untouched with the last lesson still on the chalkboard as though the children might return the next morning to sit at their child-sized desks. He asks about my children. He lights eagerly upon the topic of the new Woody Allen movie thinking it safe and I announce brutishly that I've sworn off Woody Allen. I insist that we go see Harry Potter instead. 

"Of course, of course", he says. 

There's no better way to avoid someone you're in the company of than at a movie. 

Back at home we discuss the lives of our friends, by proxy to talk about ourselves. His friend won't be coming to stay for two weeks after all because the friend's new puppy isn't getting along with his cat, but also that it's at times too much to be around our "oscillations". Roi glances at me when he says this, and I am washed over with a small wave of grief and knowing. I see in my mind the last five years of push-pull desperation weaving through so much of our relationship. 

Is it even possible that we could ever be easy with one another? Why shouldn't we? Our intellectual interests are symbiotic, we are physically well-matched, we entertain one another well. Why should this be so hard?

Roi tells me about his other friend, an addict, who has recently hacked up another relationship and has decided to love heroine instead. I cluck and wonder aloud if this friend might not be avoiding commitment. Roi nods and explains how he realizes that one must commit to one life, and in his case he has decided it is with me, if that's what I want, of course. I can't say what I want. 

What's more, he continues, the addict must make a decision to recover. That he may still stumble, but without the decision he will always dance with the right foot in, while the left foot heads for the door. We talk philosophically on these matters, as though we are like-minded individuals who had just met at a dinner party, as if it is not our lives we speak of, as if the consequences of our theories are not ours to bear.


  1. I wish you had a reaction button for 'heavy'. That is my reaction to this. I found myself holding my breath at the end of this post.

    The time went by so fast.

    Some connections just are not easy, by default. It is the chemistry of it all. The nature of it. The destiny and organics of it all, really. That is what I figure, at least. It is the only thing I can figure. Or, perhaps, there is no easy connection with an addict. Yes, that is probably it. Even still, addict or no, some people may have common interests and intelligence and still not be able to mesh well. I don't know. This brings up the twinges of pain and guilt I have about Jermaine, a little, I suppose that is why I am trying to explain it all away for you! :) *sigh*

  2. This brought back a painful memory for me of when predator would often talk about a "friend" who was going through "something" or something happened to this "friend". Not only would he tell me these stories, but he would change many of the facts.

    How do I know? Because unbeknownst to him,(it was all on instant message) I was always the "other woman" in these stories and the "friend" of course, was him. oh what fun. :(( Later, he would run these situations past me, to gauge my reaction, I guess. Who knows. It doesn't really matter. He's a sociopath and that is what they do. I tried to convince myself that all of this was research. The problem was... after I had the facts, I still hung on. really bad move, but it also gave me an inside track to what is actually happening inside the brain of someone like this.

    And certainly, Roi may very well be talking about a real friend. Absolutely. Of course he is. Still, when a man is capable of great lies, how does one know when he's actually telling the truth? And WHY is he telling you this, in the first place? Sorry, I guess the last bastion of my innocence has been annihilated by selfish, narcissistic fucktards.

    I understand, too, so very well, the feeling of not knowing what I want, but most of the time, when I examine it closely, I realize that in my heart of hearts, i DO know what I want but am afraid of the decision. Or I know what I want and am afraid that is impossible to attain or that I could find myself in a worse situation. Is that how it is for you? Do you feel that a relationship with a gnashing wolf is the best that's available? Is it money? Is it that too many things are good, to justify leaving because of the bad?

    This is really going out on a limb... but I do not see how its possible for you to truly find the self that you lost, if you stay with him and I think that you know this too, but are afraid to face it. Why you are reeling in shock at the mere sight of him after he's been gone for THREE weeks. Guess that old heart growing fonder axiom doesn't always hold true. :( Of course, you can absolutely stay with a man you abhor. Lots of women do this. But I am seeing a woman who is desperately fighting to retrieve the soul that she has lost because of the betrayal of this man. Am I missing something?

    I'm so sorry for your situation and hope that you can find your way to a better tomorrow, very soon.

    All my best,


    PS: word verification is "mentr" haha! I hope you do see it that way and not as a presumptuous idiot. lol

  3. I can't tell if this time away has made him pause and reflect or if this continued Roi BS? I can only say that in all matters relating to SA and D, I now go with my gut and whatever it is telling me. I no longer doubt it. It's been right to many times to dismiss it. What does your gut tell you? Cut and run? Keep saving your pennies and then file for divorce? Give Roi a chance? Hugs!

  4. Lexie, Roi really was talking about his friends, but he was also talking about us at the same time, and so was I. My "theoretical advice" for his friends was really what I want to say to Roi, and his talking about these things was him testing the waters about where I am.

    I am still here for money reasons. My depression and PTSD made it increasingly difficult to work so my income has slowed to a trickle and I have no nest egg having raised my children on my own for 1/2 their lives.The goal of therapy and neurofeedback is to get me back to a place that I am working again.

    Kelly, I'll consider adding a "heavy" option. ;)

    L, I do believe the time away made Roi pause and reflect, but he's had insights and revelations before that don't last. When we were at the grocery store today he was talking about how much he's looking forward to domestic chores and when I looked like I wasn't buying it, he chuckled and said, "I know, you don't believe me. It's probably going to take you 7 weeks or so of consistency".

    My gut tells me to keep doing exactly what I'm doing. Move toward health so that I'm ready to decide and take action. In the meantime I'm having to tread water in the relationship and that's just plain difficult. (by the way, we're not married)

  5. (((Briar)))

    I just wanted to give you a cyber hug.

    I think that you're fantastic!

    xo ~ Lexie

  6. Thanks Lexie, that's sweet. :)

  7. Briar - Just know that I'm rooting for you!!

  8. L, thanks darlin'. And likewise. :)