Thursday, July 21, 2011

days and days

I watched the movie "Happy Accidents" in two parts, which stars Marisa Tomei as Ruby who we meet on her therapist's couch as she blots her puffy tear-streaked face and cries in a hundred different ways, "I don't knooooowwwww" as the therapist, Maggie, grills Ruby about her latest (and clearly mistaken) love interest Sam (played by Vincent D'onofrio who always manages to rub on all my wrong nerves with his quirkiness-meant-to-convey-genius-no-one-understands bullshit).

The whole movie is a set-up. Ruby is a classic codependent (yep, still hate that word) and Sam quickly appears for all the world like some sort of con man. When shit starts not adding up for Ruby, Sam finally confesses there IS something up. He's from the future and he's come back to find her. If I say more I'll spoil it for you. Is it worth watching? If you're a codependent who dreams of another ending? Sure. The best part of the movie is the "Ex-Files", a ritual shared among a group of girlfriends when they have a breakup of sharing a mug shot of the now offensive"ex", the war stories, and putting the photo into a shoe-box collection of "Ex-Files". At once pathetic and brilliant.

That was Monday and Tuesday

On those days I also went swimming with Roi at the local swimming hole and he behaved himself for once. It has been so hot I decided it was worth the risk. Besides, Roi is still in honeymoon phase. Then I went with Lexie and we paddled around on inner tubes holding hands so we wouldn't float away from each other. We laughed at our ungraceful repositionings and the stories we told and the sun and the sky.

Last night I found Lykke Li who I am now obsessed with. Not so much her music as with watching her perform live.

I find myself fascinated by her variability, her intensity, her shamelessness. Also too how one moment she appears as young as she is or younger, and the next she is so much older than her years, like here.

(Lexie informs me that Lykke Li is SO last year, to which I say, things are whenever you discover them to be.)

Then today, finding myself alone in the house for house and hours and wondering if I should go swim by myself, I decide instead to put on shorts and a tank top and dance. I dance to remixes of Lykke Li, 80's pop, indie-pop, and Lady Gaga's "Judas" (shut up, it's a kick-ass dance song, especially good for angry moves) while the cat lay flat stomached and limb-splayed on the edge of the rug meowing occasionally as if to say, "are you aware of the temperature? do you really think you should be doing that?"

Earlier, in therapy, Liz observed that Roi views me as an extension of himself and is probably incapable of otherwise. She has managed to de-pathologize him on a few occasions without my wanting to stab her. Still, I want to know what I am supposed to do to change this. I imagine myself as extra appendages of Roi and Kyd and Lexie. We explore how much this goes on in my life and I see it everywhere, stretching back and back. We peel away more layers and she says that often when someone is genuine all the way out to their skins it is often perceived as power or strength and others want to latch onto it and try to get some. What's not recognized is that it is also a very vulnerable state of being.

Yes, yes, yes. She has named me and the explanation I have been searching every corner and crack for is  now obvious. At the end of our session she said, "even in the midst of all this, I see you have a very vital spirit, a strong spirit, and it's going to want to do things".

At night, after the dancing, I score two boxes of art/craft magazines from freecycle: Somerset Studio, Expression, Cloth-Paper-Scissors, and Artella (the waltz of words and art).

I still haven't found a different job, still haven't made any decisions, but I am on my way back.  

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