I knew that the home I was living in, and the financial pressures of running that home by myself, were making me miserable. Kicked while on the ground, would rather have five teeth pulled with rusty pliers, I'm not moving from this couch until the universe just stops it already, MISERABLE.
I knew it well enough to tell all my friends and family from the time I moved into ye ole hell-hole up until the very moment I left that thin-walled, low-ceilinged, wretch of a house. Kyd and Lexi and I all agree that structure was cursed. Not in a demonic way. No. More in a sad, wet blankety kind of way. More like sucking you into a quicksand of despair kind of way.
But even I didn't know how much a contributing factor it was.
Since moving in with Roi I've been like a new bride all aglow with future. Only it's this new space, this new house that I'm in love with, not the person I moved in with. Though to his credit, Roi's been giddily happy too, and our individual happiness is starting to rub off on each other.
In fact, if I didn't still have nightmares, trigger-fests, and all manner of invading thoughts about things he's done, it would be quite possible to fool myself into thinking I trust him again.
I don't. Not for a second.
But this house...this house I'm in love with. An 1800's brick colonial with paned windows, a working fireplace (that I could practically stand up in just to say, "look! I can stand UP in this thing, it's HUGE) with heaping piles of free wood to burn, a quirky kitchen with the perfect window for growing herbs, an enormous enclosed porch perfect for a three-season breakfast nook (ok, maybe two seasons), land extending back and back until it reaches the river, tall thick ancient trees standing all around, a sunny bedroom with floor to ceiling built-in bookshelves on THREE walls (excuse me while I faint from happiness), weathered but still shining proudly wood floors in every single room.
And all I can do with myself is cook and clean and cook and bake and decorate and fuss and buy flowers and loll about in front of the fire.
Pinch me please, because if this is a dream I'd rather know. I haven't been this peaceful and content in such a very long time. With two addicts running amok in my midst I don't know how long it can last, but I'm going to squeeze every last ounce of happiness out of this house while things are good.