Wednesday, November 3, 2010

It's Like They Plan it This Way

I've noticed that when there's trouble with one of the addicts in my life, there's bound to be trouble with the other either simultaneously, or following in short order. It's like they plan it this way. 

I imagine Roi and Kyd getting on the phone with each other and collaborating on timing. 

"Ok, Briar seems to be relaxing a little, getting some sleep, catching up on everything just enough that she can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  It's time to pull the rug out again, whaddya say?"

"Sounds good to me man.  Let's see, I've got an opening on Friday.  What do things look like for you?"

"I'm good the following Wednesday. Got the whole day free for some delicious self-destruction and finding a way to blame everyone else."

"Awesome. It's a plan dude."

Kyd had an appointment today so per the usual I drove an hour to get him, and an hour back so that he could make it to his appointment. On the drive home last night things were going well. Kyd was talkative, in a spastic kind of way, but it looked like his mood was good. 

Then we took a wrong turn. Or rather, I didn't take a turn that Kyd thought I should have taken, and suddenly the conversation drove straight into dangerous territory. I was taking a back way home, not a shortcut, but a route with less traffic. Kyd was positive the way I chose was MUCH longer, and it didn't make any sense to him why I would go that way. 

That would have been fine if when Lexi and I explained how it wasn't longer and had less traffic things were settled. They weren't. He started calling us insane and crazy and pointed out that we were women so obviously had no sense of direction. He kept at it even though we tried laughing through it, telling him we'd settle it with a map when we got home, etc. He got progressively louder, insistent, and rude, and eventually Lexi got pissed off. 

That's when Kyd started banging on her seat and then heaved himself out of the car at a red light, flailing his arms around and cursing.  

The rest of the night he babbled heatedly about how awful we are, how he hates coming home, how we make him depressed and angry, how it's OUR fault he acts this way. 

It was clear he was not in his right mind, and I was thrown right back into full red alert mode. Is he having a psychotic break? Is he ON something? Is he coming down OFF something? At what point do I call the police? An ambulance? Where is the hotline for help on this kind of confusing mess? I've done it all. Therapy, meds, neurofeedback, neuropsych evaluation, detox, rehab hospital commitment, all resulting in the addiction folks saying he has mental health issues and the mental health folk saying he has addiction issues. 

It's painful and heartbreaking and I feel so helpless to do anything.


  1. has your kid got a diagnosis?

    i'm coming out of a 10 year heroin addiction that started when i was 28 so i'm 38 now and having symptoms of bipolar (all of them)

    my parents wanted to believe it was drug-induced but i asked the dual diagnosis lady and she said no drug induced is directly caused by something like crack and fades pretty quick when crack is taken away. i also thought there was something called substance-induced bipolar. there isn't. only substance induced mania/depression/mixed state and i've fluctuated through all 3 since december which means it does look like bipolar i cannot even write this on my blog as i get shot down for being hypochondriac, but what else am i meant to do. pretend i'm fine and set my house on fire? telling myself i'm sick is the only link i have with reality when it goes intense.

    so i'm not in the same situation as you, but i do have to look after someone with mental illness: myself!

    take care :-)

  2. Thanks for your comment Gledwood. No, he doesn't have an official diagnosis. I twisted myself inside out dragging him to specialist after specialist and the drugs/alcohol people said he exhibited signs of mental illness, and the mental illness folks said it was drugs/alcohol.

    He's reasonably clean and has been for over a year. He's found music and that's good for him. Meanwhile I enjoy the reprieve and hope that if it gets bad again we'll find the right specialist who knows what's what.