I'm tired now. I was up until 4:00 a.m., woken at 6:30 by ROI starting his morning routine, and then woken again at 8-ish. My eyes ached in that particular way that your eyes hurt after some crying and not enough sleep.
I had left "evidence" for ROI to find in the morning. This is what I do when I make a discovery and he's not around for me to confront. I have some vague feeling that this tactic is a "woman" tactic, but I might be way off base there.
In my head it works something like this. I'm having some vague unconscious feelings that I'm being snowed as usual, and that makes me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. Especially now as I'm having all kinds of realizations that there is a whole other side to ROI that is coming into focus, but I'll talk more about that later (or not). So last night I was alone with his phone. I didn't know this right away. We had been watching a movie together, but it being an independent film and "slow-paced", I ended up watching the second half alone and Roi went to bed.
I took the opportunity to do some girlie things while I watched the end of the movie. Paint my nails, experiment with my hair, and have a nice drink. When I went to pour the drink I set my glass on the dining table, and there was the phone.
I want to point out that there are many many times I find myself with Roi's phone and have no interest in checking out what he's been up to. Partners of addicts develop a sixth sense about when acting out is going on. About when we're being deceived even when it looks like we're not. I'm no exception. I couldn't possibly tell you what triggers the "spidey" senses, I just know.
But if I go to Roi and say, "I know something's up, why don't you tell me what it is", that's pretty much an open invitation to get mind-fucked. I know because I've tried it. Yes, more than once. The last time I bothered going the nice route was when I told him I felt something was up and his response was to laugh merrily and say, "you always think something's up!". He practically tousled my hair. And when you know something is up and you get patronized, that's a recipe for crazy. Forgive me if I'm not keen on throwing myself under the wheels of that bus.
Roi lies so compulsively at times that he can't admit to something that isn't even a problem. So getting the truth from him is not even an option.
But I digress. Back to what happens in my head during recon, and back to me alone with the phone and having those niggly feelings. I check the phone, discover that he's been using it to visit forums to get around the accountability software on his laptop (duh), and these forums introduce me to a new level of his addiction/compulsions.
Such discoveries come almost always when he's not home or sleeping. The discoveries usually scare the shit out of me, and then they make me angry because I don't like being scared. I want to talk about it. I want explanations. I want apologies. I want action. And I want all that NOW. But I can't have any of that now, so instead I leave his own evidence out in the open in such a way that it will be clear that I've discovered it. I also do this because I'm getting the evidence out of the way since, as I've already pointed out, I know that he is incapable of telling the truth unless the evidence is staring him in the face.
So that's what I do. I set it up to stare him in the face before I'm going to talk to him.
Now that I think about this, maybe it's not a "woman" tactic. I've done this with Kyd too, but I realize now they're the only two I've done this with, and hey, it's probably not a coincidence that both will lie and lie and lie until they can't lie anymore, and then of course they'll still lie as much as they can get away with.
So I guess it's my "short-cut to truth" tactic.