Thursday, August 26, 2010

She's Gonna Blow!

There are so many complicated things going on that I have neither time nor energy to explain, but the anxiety is rising to dangerous levels. 

Today when I was cleaning the basement of the 'Ole Hell Hole (this is what the house I'm moving out of shall be forever referred to as from now on) I started to weep. I hated that house, and cleaning it out is only a reminder of how I lived in it for far too long. Every swish of the mop a reminder of how I got depressed there, how Kyd really lost his shit there, how Lexi got anxious there because I was a moping shadow moving around taking care of what I could, which was not enough.

How the landlord mistreated me but I couldn't see it because every core person in my life was mistreating me. How I learned of Roi's addictions one by one in my time there. How everything that happened was another crushing blow pummeling me further and further into depression. How there was no single room in that house to retreat to for silence and relaxation because the walls were paper thin. How the walk-in basement always smelled musty no matter what I cleaned it with and it permeated the rest of the house. How everything was always just shy of non-functional. How things got broken in one of many of Kyd's drunken tirades. 

How I came to hate the neighbors for just being there and witness to Kyd's antics. I was embarrassed and ashamed all the time. 

How much I paid to live there leaving me nothing left to pay off my student debt. How the space was just so uninspiring. How Kyd moved from room to room claiming an empty space as his own so he could trash it to the point he felt he needed to "switch rooms".  

How my lawn-mower broke last year so I couldn't mow the lawn and had to pay someone to do it with money I didn't have, and not often enough. 

How my new space with Roi has so much potential for beauty and I love that, but can't see how I'm going to live with him long-term and not wanting to invest blood and tears and sweat into something that I just can't conceive as permanent.

How the mustiness in the basement was probably a sign of mold and that would explain why we got so many chest colds and sinus infections while we were there.

How that Hell Hole is so much a reflection of my state of mind, and my state of mind was reflected in that Hell Hole. 

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