Friday, August 19, 2011

and sunlight crashes in

Roi and I fought horrifically a few days ago. I was still coming down off the high from my week away (more on that later) (maybe) and he wanted to jump right into solving the problem of Kyd living with us and not seeming to make any moves himself to get independent.

The thing is, I agree with Roi. Kyd needs some boundaries and he needs to be accountable to us for no other reason than when people are connected to one another there's a certain amount of accountability. But I wasn't in agreement with Roi's approach which was to draw up a binding and punitive sounding contract. I objected to the tone, and the intent. He wanted my "feedback" which is code for he wanted me to agree with him so that he could feel ok with it. I didn't agree but I patiently explained my reasons and what could change in the agreement so I could get on board. I know Kyd, and I know addicts. Give them one little thing to argue over and they'll seize on it like a cat gnawing at a burr stuck in their coat. 

Each time I offered "feedback" Roi went back and rewrote the agreement, but he would do the exact opposite of what I recommended. If I said, "simplify" he added paragraphs. If I said, "explain the positives" he did, but then followed it by what he himself would get out of it. So I brought it to Therapist who chuckled softly to herself and sighed a little and then suggested that I withdraw from the whole thing completely because there was no way it was going to work. 

So like a good therapee I went home and calmly announced to Roi that I was going away for the day to think. Later I told him I shouldn't/couldn't be involved. And as he does when I try to take the sane route out he seduced me into conversation by seeming to be open to understanding what the problem was. And as I do, I took the bait and we were off to the race tracks where much hoof-pounding and whirling, choking dust clouds ensued.

It got ugly fast and ended with him concluding I was, as usual, insane and exhausting and maybe he doesn't have time for a relationship, to which I viciously responded that "fine, we'll see other people". Fine. FINE! I swept my body violently from the chair and made for the door barking over my shoulder that I was going to fuck someone else and enjoy the hell out of it. 

Ah me. 

I wish I could say my intent was only to shock and I didn't mean it, but no. My frustration at Roi's lack of amends (which he promised our therapist and me two months ago), his sexual anorexia of the last six months or so, and feeling so trapped with it all, is in fact leaving me to feel very vulnerable to the attentions of other men. It doesn't matter that I know how foolish it is. Christ, if I could act in accordance with my rational mind I wouldn't be here.

Nevertheless, it did shock Roi into a moment of clarity. And he was seemingly awed by the revelation of how damaged he is and spent a good hour speculating and explaining the root causes of his "personal defects".  It should be splendid. It should be a ray of hope. Only the words he spoke as though they were new I've heard a half-dozen times before.


  1. Oh, geez..
    1. contracts don't work. Contracts only make US feel like we're taking action. You understand addiction, Roi does not.
    2) why is "removing ourselves" so freakin' hard
    3) threatening to have sex with others is not a good thing :( (you know what I mean)
    4) Kyd is going to stay until he's forcibly removed (our son is always going to leave when..he gets a job..he gets his license..pigs fly..etc)
    5) every one's life is fucked up. That's meant to make you feel better.

  2. who gives a flying fuck about Roi's "root causes?"

    He's an irredeemable narcissist and there is no winning--- ever with a character like that. He is not going to ever change and he is only going to keep making you more and more miserable and when you least expect it, because that's what narcs do. That's what gives them sadistic pleasure, along with the intermittent reinforcement of being "nice." crazy fucker.

    I truly hate him.

    Honey... you can do this. If I can, you can too! I am giving you a not so gentle nudge. I know that you don't want to hear that, but others have done the same for me, so I'm paying it forward. :)

    Kick Kyd outta the nest. No contracts. No ultimatums. Just tell him that he's out by (whatever date you feel is appropriate. You'll be happy to help him pack and get settled in his new home. (that he's sharing with 6 other guys?) He'll figure it out. He HAS to.

    And so does Roi.

    You, i have absolutely no worries about, whatsoever. You're beautiful and achingly talented. Just stand on a street corner and hand out business cards, honey.

    you can do this Briar!

    of course, the pep talk is also for myself, as well... i've never been more scared in all of my life and I'm not the type who enjoys being afraid. i hate it, but I have no other choice. I've wasted too much of my precious life with my own selfish, soul-sucking loser. :(

    xo ~ L

  3. Lou:

    1. Roi brought it to his sponsor and came up with a much more workable situation that is going well so far.
    2. Right?
    3. sigh
    4. I think we've actually made progress here, more on that later.
    5. It does make me feel better because I've been in a state these last several days of wondering why I can't be "normal".

    Lexie, see the above list. :) I'm not sure what you mean by achingly talented...or what I would advertise on my business cards. I feel like my life is half over and I still haven't figured out what I'm supposed to be when I grow up. It's a huge source of angst for me despite my best efforts to relax around it I just can't.

    As for your current situation - ugh. Tough stuff. I've been meditating a lot again recently and it helps.

  4. Have you thought of going to a career counselor? I think that you're a superb writer and that's a skill that could work for lots of different kinds of jobs. Maybe you're not quite there yet.

    My mom was a really late bloomer. After she dumped my psycho father, she went back to college at 47 (back in 1969, before women did that sort of thing)-- then she got her MSW and became a therapist and then wrote two kinda barfy books, but that's okay, it kept her busy and at almost 89, she still has clients and goes ballroom dancing every sunday.

    Honey, forget about what's done or over or how much is left. What is your wildest fantasy? Mine has always been to be a furniture designer. Maybe I can find a way to make it happen. I don't know...

    I'm in a holding pattern right now. (although, I've encountered quite a bit of internal turbulence and some scattered drenching thunderstorms) I know that he's going, but I don't know what's coming after that and I don't know how long until he goes. I'm pissed, disappointed, incredulous and terrified but as scared as I am, it just feels SO right! It feels right, because I am never going to let a man abuse me in any way shape or form, ever again-- no matter what. And I'm not talking about a disagreement, but big stuff. Big, devastating stuff.

    you don't have to be "normal." Who is? Embrace your "abnormal", for out of that comes the stuff of greatness; I really believe that! The rest is just ho hum. ((hugs)) ~ L

  5. Ah Lexie, thank you for that, it's sweet. I'm an "ok" writer. By that I mean I write pretty well without a lot of effort but I'm not serious enough about it. I have writer friends and they live and breathe it every day. They read more than I do, and they know where to put their commas, and they know how to write without falling back on cliches.

    Anyway, I digress. I'm not trying to beat on myself, honestly. I just had this conversation with a close writer friend and relayed to her that I had decided my writing is mostly meant for me. I need it, it's important, but I don't think I have the drive to bust into it as a full-time gig. (though Therapist thinks I should write a book debunking codependency).

    You'll get through this too. Just follow your own advice. :P

  6. good advice. ;)

    and yeah... please debunk codependency.

    writing doesn't have to be a great literary thing. I have a friend who got a job working for a local magazine. the pay is probably shit, but she likes it.

    do you think that Shakespeare was well-read? just a thought. :) you have an original voice and your commas are sublime! :)