Wednesday, August 31, 2011

suffocating mud

Lately I've taken to hostility with Roi. It has a different flavor than anger or resentment, though one could see how the latter could manifest as the former. This is less about, "you hurt me", or "why can't you just be well?", or "I want my amends dammit", and more about, "get the fuck out of my way or I will hurt you". 

Roi sober is better than Roi not sober, but not by much. He's oblivious of his own feelings, completely disconnected between what he's feeling and what comes out of it. He exhausts me. Every conversation is loaded, and even if I let go of 99 out of 100, it takes work to let go. 

Whatever "recovery" I have under my belt so far is still not enough to stop the relentless draining throughout the day, so I walk into another room when he comes in, take long baths to avoid conversations, and cut him short on just about everything. At this point I have to wonder why he would even want to try. 

This on Facebook: "You will NEVER leave where you are - until you decide where you would rather be."  Rocked me off-center and I thought, yes. I've known this is my big obstacle. Having let this relationship, this work take me so far off course of myself that I don't know at all anymore where or what is next, having no plan except, "out". Of course there's the quaint notion of putting one foot in front of the other - hardly comforting considering where that's led me. I'm aching for, needing a plan and the lack of one leaves me feeling stuck in a suffocating mud. 


  1. Is there something stopping you from actively working on your plan? I seem to remember that while he was gone, you were doing a little bit at a time to keep yourself slowly moving towards that door. Did something change that I missed? I have been hit and miss in the cyber world the last few weeks....


  2. Honey, "The Plan" is difficult for me too. My BFF has been telling me for years...

    "Lexie, make a plan."

    Well... easy for her to say. Her plan is to never get married (but she came close a couple of times) work at IBM for 45 years (its been about 35, now), RETIRE (wtf is that?) live comfortably on her pension, savings, SS and live in the same one-bedroom apartment that she's been in, since 1980) for the rest of her life...

    But what about the rest of us slobs who don't have our lives so neatly planned out?

    Maybe a life coach? In fact, I am thinking of that too, or something in that regard, like career counseling. Maybe someone else, who can see my life and abilities objectively and has that expertise to advise, can help? Sometimes, too... I think its the fear of change that has kept me stuck. The fear of the unknown, seems more difficult than the pain of staying. Its like they say... the beast, I know... :(

    What IF, you could know (for certain) that if you left, you would be better than ever and happier than you ever dreamed possible? What if you had a life free of hostility and the urge to hurt him? (BTW, that is a normal urge in the face of his betrayals.)

    Do the feelings that you have serve some sort of unacknowledged purpose? Do they feed into some belief that this is the best you can do and if you go it will only be worse?

    That has been my "preset" for a long time... but I've gotten to the point, where its beginning to feel like it couldn't possibly be worse. What if I'm STILL like this in 10, 20, 30 years? At least if I break up this farce of a marriage, I'll at least have a chance. If he changes--- good for him. I wish him well. (well, after he gets penile cancer and has to have his dick amputated)

    In your case, I see that Roi has changed in terms of his addiction, but that still doesn't change the fact that he's inherently an asshole, if I'm reading that correctly.

    Can you live with that? Do you have to?

    I don't think so, Briar. I really don't, or I wouldn't be making all of these blongs. ;) (hope that doesn't sound condescending) I'm not a "bloggy" who reads dozens and dozens of blogs. I'm extremely selective and the ones I read are from those gentle souls who I can see-- almost immediately have an ability that far exceeds what they "think" they can do.

    In you, I have already seen so much forward motion... keep going!!! I know it may not feel like it to you, because as I know--- it is so very difficult to see when we are in the middle of it, but you are moving towards that better place. Of this, I am positive!

    hugs and love,


  3. L & L, to clarify, my plan was this. Go to therapy, pull out of depression, get well enough to work and earn money to sock away, and move out.

    I'm right on track for all that. No longer depressed, working more effectively, catching up on bills. The problem is that I don't know what I want to do career wise and that's a key factor here. That's what I'm musing about.

  4. Yes, that's why I suggested the life coach and/or career counselor.

    I'm thinking of it for myself too... right now, I'm still so traumatized-- ended up in the ER the other night. worst night of my life.

    I know that when I'm busy and feeling productive, it makes me feel better about myself. We'll get there. xo

  5. Briar,
    I see; I'm glad you're still on track =) You do sound so much more "you" than you did just a few months ago. You sound stronger and more sure of yourself. Keep on going, I know you can do it!!

    You'd make an excellent life coach =)