Today is one of those days when all I want to do is think and write. I think, have a realization, and then I want to write about it. I worry that I'm tilting into self-absorption.
I was thinking about my ex, and then I thought about how when my children argue it creates such a feeling of hopelessness and worry in me and I'm realizing how utterly intertwined these two things are. I am terrified, terrified that my children are going to end up just like us. Kyd an addict, if not now, in the future when the pressure of life is just too much, when he falls and doesn't know how to pick himself back up. Lexie an enabler, a codependent (that word still makes me want to vomit), an anger-train willing to mow down anything in her path that doesn't work right, and not seeing the damage she does to herself.
So when they exhibit even the smallest sign of this, I panic. I need to talk about it, DO something about it, sweep it up, put the pieces back together, and beg and plead and DEMAND that they change.
As usual, I'm both right and wrong. Kyd and Lexie ARE showing signs of following the same paths, and I do need to point it out. But I have to stop feeling so terrified of it because that terror leads to panic which leads to overreacting both externally and internally. I make it bigger than it is, and I fall apart. I feel that we're all doomed and damned. That Karma is a bitch and she's coming for me, for all of us, and she has no plans to leave any of us alone, ever.
Again, I can only turn to meetings, and therapy, and neurofeedback. Hold my tongue and my seat and my ground in the moment.