Monday, June 20, 2011

Abject Terror Manifests in Funny Ways

Today is one of those days when all I want to do is think and write. I think, have a realization, and then I want to write about it. I worry that I'm tilting into self-absorption. 

I was thinking about my ex, and then I thought about how when my children argue it creates such a feeling of hopelessness and worry in me and I'm realizing how utterly intertwined these two things are. I am terrified, terrified that my children are going to end up just like us. Kyd an addict, if not now, in the future when the pressure of life is just too much, when he falls and doesn't know how to pick himself back up. Lexie an enabler, a codependent (that word still makes me want to vomit), an anger-train willing to mow down anything in her path that doesn't work right, and not seeing the damage she does to herself. 

So when they exhibit even the smallest sign of this, I panic. I need to talk about it, DO something about it, sweep it up, put the pieces back together, and beg and plead and DEMAND that they change. 

As usual, I'm both right and wrong. Kyd and Lexie ARE showing signs of following the same paths, and I do need to point it out. But I have to stop feeling so terrified of it because that terror leads to panic which leads to overreacting both externally and internally. I make it bigger than it is, and I fall apart. I feel that we're all doomed and damned. That Karma is a bitch and she's coming for me, for all of us, and she has no plans to leave any of us alone, ever. 

Again, I can only turn to meetings, and therapy, and neurofeedback. Hold my tongue and my seat and my ground in the moment.


  1. Honey, I hear you-- loud and clear... and please write and think as much as you feel like. I have days and times like that too and I find it very helpful to help me sort things out. I don't see it as self-absorption, at all! I see it as self-preservation and the care and concern for those that you are in charge of. Its the most important job there is, and for me, the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. To top it off, those little fuckers didn't come with instruction booklets. not really fair, is it?

    I have the exact same thoughts and fears that you do. My older son (with ADHD) will become some sort of loser unemployed addict (aka a brilliant but completely unfocused musician) and my younger son with autism, presents no differently, than a person with narcissistic personality disorder/sociopathy. fun times. :/

    What's a mother to do? At least we're present. Do you have any idea how many people still try to sweep all of the icky under the rug? pretend it doesn't exist? Or even worse, don't even have one IDEA that it exists???

    I think that you're doing all that you can and being very sensible about it all. No one gets it right 100% of the time, in any case. Last night, I wanted to dump my son on the side of the road. He's back at this therapeutic boarding school now.

    Yes, there's a God!!! :)



  2. ps: I recently realize that my blog name is the same name as your daughter's blog name. Life is full of so many coincidences and some of them are so freaky, it makes me wonder...

  3. Yes, I noticed the name thing. :) I have a nephew with autism and I know that's an incredibly tough thing to be dealing with. Thanks for your words of support.

  4. Writing on your own blog is about as self-absorbed as brushing your own teeth.