Friday, June 10, 2011


I am in a strange house, perhaps a vacation house. Roi has just come back from being away and he's in another room talking to his friend C. C is trying to convince Roi that he has better options out there, and to leave me. They either don't know I'm home or that I can hear them, so I walk into the room. 

C leaves without acknowledging me, and Roi is in his trance-happy mode, where he's got everything figured out. 

"I've got to go back to the train station", he says. 

"Why?", I ask. 

"Because I met her, I met the one, and I've got to give her an engagement ring before I lose her." 

He also tells me there is a second woman. He is almost entirely disengaged from reality. He talks about both women as though they are the loves of his life, but he has only actually spoken to one of them. His plan is to propose to both of them to ensure that he gets at least one of them. 

I am stunned, in shock. He is telling me he plans to propose to two different women but he's talking about it like he's telling me that he just decided to take up singing, or buy a tennis racket. He is excited, matter-of-fact, and entirely oblivious to the shock of it for me. 

"What about me?" I ask. 

He doesn't give me a straight answer but what I get from it is that he has no plans to dump me. He acts as though the answers to my questions should be obvious. He is not looking at me or listening to me. He's moving around "getting ready". I'm nothing more than an insect buzzing in his ear, an annoyance, something to be waved away.

When I follow him upstairs (now we are suddenly in our real life home) he starts to get abrupt and more annoyed. I open my mouth to speak and he starts nodding vigorously and repeating, "Yes! Yes! Whatever you're going to say, the answer is YES!". 

"Roi, we've been together for nearly five years and we're not engaged! Now you're telling me you're going to propose to two other women just like that?"

I don't remember the specifics of the rest of the dream except that it was similar to incidents that have happened with Roi in the past. Like the time I had asked to take a break from him to think, and in a phone conversation towards the end of the break he told me he couldn't even think about dating anyone else, and then mere sentences later he dropped completely nonchalantly that he had checked out and had also met a woman at Whole Foods who was from Columbia, and how interesting she was and he was considering dating her. 

The contradictions themselves are mind-boggling, but his lack of recognition of the contradictions is mind-blowing

I'm not sure what prompted this dream exactly. I think I know but I'm not sure I could articulate it. It's a deeper instinctual thing. It's a matter of knowing Roi's patterns on a gut level. Roi acts out when things are good between us, but when things are bad between us, when he senses he's losing his grip on me, he has a pattern of starting to scan for other opportunities. Since our last therapy session he has tried to connect with me and I simply don't want to spend time with him. So it seems my unconscious is either picking up on something that's already happening, or is predicting it will happen. 


  1. "I think I know but I'm not sure I could articulate it. It's a deeper instinctual thing."

    And for this very reason, God gave us dreams.