Whenever I don't write for a few days I notice I'm feeling stuck. As in I can't think about anything and I can't DO anything. Roi and I either argue or tolerate the intolerable tension between us. It's not fun, and where I used to get upset when he was away during the day (because I was anxious that he was acting out), now I welcome any errands that take him away from the house. Being nice to him is exhausting, but so is being hurt or angry. When I tire of leaning up against the doors of defense I find myself sharing a laugh with him. When I tire of pretending to be nice, pretending that I'm not screaming on the inside, I find myself throwing sharp comments in his general direction.
When he's gone, even for an hour or two, I find I'm restored to a bit of equilibrium. The hurt is still there but since I don't need to hide it, and I can just be with the wounds, I feel some healing going on. The poisons draining, the flesh of the soul stitching. I can rest.
The other night our neighbor had a party in the backyard. Roi thought we should "check it out" and be social. I caved even though I was feeling highly triggered. I can't afford to say no to everything or to stay so angry at Roi all the time. I can't keep poking at the fire. I have other more important things I should be saving my energy for.
We walked into the backyard, and not 2 minutes in I see the most attractive woman at the party lock eyes with him and then smile. He glances back in her direction a couple of times, and she does the same until she catches my eye. I'm standing right next to him, it would seem obvious we are together. And this is part of the ugly history. Roi has a remarkable magnetic quality with women. He's very attractive, for sure, but it's much more than that. It is this near perfect combination of attractiveness with his social awkwardness that creates a powerful magnetic force. I've said it before, he has a way of looking at a woman, or any stranger with a look of complete delighted surprise that immediately makes a person feel "special" and that Roi is completely safe to approach. More than once this has meant I get to witness women throwing themselves at Roi despite my holding his hand, or standing next to him. Of course I can't help but to imagine what it's like when I'm not there.
This was precisely why I didn't want to go to the party. I didn't want my insides scooped out over something that "seems" so innocent, and in its way, IS innocent. I've seen no evidence that Roi is aware that he's doing this. It's not just women, it's all strangers. People talk to him easily everywhere he goes. So to get mad about it is pointless, yet it is a reminder of how he can so easily fool people with little effort.