Tuesday, June 7, 2011

So Much

So much has happened in the last couple of days and I'm reeling, needing space and time and quiet to let it all settle in and do its work, but alas, life moves on despite my most fervent wishes that it would give me a break already.

Kyd is at court this morning for an old case, and he's facing possible consequences for not having secured a job yet. I wanted to go with him, but he went with his girlfriend. I wrote a letter to the court confirming and backing up Kyd's job search efforts and I have no idea if it will help or not. Last night Kyd was in a very dark place emotionally, and as he slipped into black and white thinking I couldn't help wondering, once again, what diagnosis he might get if he would only step into a psychiatrist's office.

Which reminds me of the statistics that more women are diagnosed with disorders such as depression or borderline personality disorder, but more men than women are in jail, and it seems kind of obvious what's wrong with that picture. Each group stigmatized in their own way, and what the hell are we doing people?

I did my best to stay with him last night as he ranted. I made mistakes a few times, trying to make him see reason. What worked was to just tell him I loved him, he didn't deserve to feel this way, and I loved him. 

Lexie thought she smelled alcohol on him, and if he was drinking, that would explain things too. We've never been able to sort out how much of his problems are from drinking, and how much of his drinking might be self-medicating an underlying disorder. I can't force him to see someone unless he threatens himself or someone else, so I sit on my hands, try to drop suggestive seeds into his psyche in between angry outbursts, try to walk that ever so narrow line between enabling and supporting. Try not to be consumed with worry because I'm fragile too, barely able myself to ride the waves of emotions with some faith that "this too shall pass". Try not to beat myself up for being fragile. Wonder if that damn therapist is going to call me back today because my wellness can't come fast enough when I have two people who very badly need me to be grown-up and healthy.

Before all that, a moment of peace with Roi, and it was a relief. This morning, back to the anger. As I was wrestling with a printer that wasn't working, trying to get this letter for Kyd and feeling the weight of worry pressing down, I asked Roi for help and that was a mistake. For Roi, "help" means to control with a demanding, heavy hand. For Roi, asking help with something simple in that moment means extending the opportunity into as many other areas as he can reach before the door is slammed in his face, and when it is he walks away muttering about the problems other people have.

It's not just that he tries to control, it's that he's insulting about it. When I suggested that one of his suggestions for Kyd seemed heavy-handed and probably not realistic he sarcastically shot at me that "if something that easy is ridiculously hard than there's no hope". 

Funny, because I don't think it's ridiculously hard to tell the truth, to tell members of the opposite sex that I'm in a relationship if they're making moves, to not be a sex addict, to not hide alcohol in 10 different places throughout the house, etc. My bad.

He couldn't see the maddening hypocrisy of his statement, and I couldn't let it go. Nothing like starting the day with your son in court and a fight with the boyfriend. Next stop, Jerry Springer. I have GOT to get the three C's tattooed on my forearm. 


  1. They say that people in our lives our mirrors. I wonder if Roi was so quick to see and say that about Kyd because it was reflecting off of himself?

    You have so many responsibilities and so many people you love. I know how my own responsibilities and loves weigh on and buoy me at the same time. Kind of like how overweight I can be more of a curse on land, but in the water, it's a blessing. Maybe we just have to find that sweet spot of balance and stay there.

    (I'm looney right now.)

  2. You describe that well, the simultaneous weight and pressure, and the buoyancy of love. My sweet spot, I think, is a place where I can get my needs met too. Where I can more easily set boundaries on what I can and can't do for others. Where I'm not sacrificing body, soul, and mind in service to others.

  3. Oh, Briar, when my analogies go over well, I am very pleased.

    Where I'm not sacrificing body, soul, and mind in service to others.

    I was raised this way. I was raised in a way that it was better to give everything you had (literally and metaphorically) so that the others had something, rather than to see someone go without. I am trying to reteach myself that this is not virtuous. Leaving myself without is the same as one of the others being without.

    Reteaching myself is hard. It is like teaching myself the proper grammar of 'lay' and 'lie' after years of not understanding it. I catch myself in the middle of the old way and I know it is incorrect, so I self-correct...but I'm only doing it for myself, because no one else really cares and, certainly, no one else is policing me. Yet, the old way (since I know of the new way) sits funny in my stomach, like a bad meal. I can no longer, ignorantly give it all away without emotional repercussions. There are periods of over-correcting, and then differentiating between giving as a mother and giving as a martyr, before it becomes natural, but I'm working on it (not the grammar...I've mastered that ;)).

    Al-Anon can help with this. I'm itching for my home group, which is really a Nar-Anon group.