Friday, June 24, 2011


Therapist listened to me tell her what happened in couple's therapy the day before. As the words rushed forth about how I had said I can't move forward in the relationship without full honesty and the couple's therapist told me I can't expect that, I saw Liz's (my therapist) brow crinkle, clearly perplexed. I went on about Roi's analogy of my "overreactions" as nuclear bombs, how the hum in my head became a roar and I sharply put a stop to it. How the couple's therapist told me I was not stable enough for couple's work. About how he was admitting lying to his sponsor, about all the "buts", about the truce. 

Liz was perplexed that the couple's therapist saw fit to invalidate what I was stating as my need. She sat thoughtfully for a moment and then said, "sometimes a therapist won't call something out as big as they see it, especially with couples, and especially if someone is not able to hear it. Maybe she sees you as the stronger one and she knows you'll be able to do what you need to do, what is asked." 

I smiled a little, "Yes", I said, "I thought maybe that was the case." 

Don't get smug, I told myself, but my god it's been so long since someone has thrown me a bone. Not a bone, a lifeline of sanity and truth. And it made sense. The couple's therapist had called him out on his endless excuse-making in previous sessions. She had pointed out to him that I had good reason to suspect him. She had told him he ought to make a list of all the ways he had wronged me and needed to make amends for. And there he was, still focusing on money, making excuses for why he had not had time to make the list of amends, and still acting as though I wasn't traumatized, still harping on my "reactions" instead of his actions.

Roi thinks the couple's therapist focuses on me more because I am clearly in more distress than him. Liz thinks she's focusing on me more because I am showing I have more strength and capacity to do the work. And that makes more sense.


  1. A close friend of mine has had a similar experience with her qualifier in couple's therapy in which she was the one that was on the hook for a lot of things and it seemed as if he was still in his old behavior.

    But, it makes sense, it does. Just like your title says. What else is there to do? A therapist can't really work with someone who is non-compliant or unwilling.

    I get a feeling that your one-on-one therapy is going to be really nourishing for you.

  2. Oh please... go ahead and be smug! ;)) You deserve an entire T-Rex of bones/lifelines of sanity and the TRUTH. And certainly not endless foaming vomit mindfuckery...


    Your husband makes me wanna puke. There, I said it. And the more I read about him and his fekked up sicko head, the more nauseous I get.

    Honey, not only are you more strong,(like a 100 times), he will never ever get it, because he is completely crippled and handicapped in this manner. Somewhere along the line, someone/something/or just bad genes hollowed out that part of his brain that's capable of being compassionate, empathetic and loving towards another human being that isn't himself. I mean, REALLY loving, not the pretend, I'll-bring-my-sweet-(gag)-flowers-because he-saw-someone-in-a-movie-do-it-so-I-guess-that's-what-I'm-supposed-to-do, kind of "love."

    He is a cardboard cut out of a man and he neither knows nor sees any of this about himself and he never will.

    I agree wholeheartedly with Kelly about your one-on-one therapist.

    I think that you're a lot stronger than you think. Maybe his 3 week sojourn will be a blessing in disguise.



  3. L, yes, feels good...healing.

    Kelly, I've let it go, but when it happens I think it bothers me because I want to see him held accountable by someone with authority just once. It would have been awesome of her to say, "you say you're earnest about recovery but you're admitting you don't tell your sponsor everything. THAT is not being earnest, period."

    Lexie, just to clarify, Roi is not my husband. We've been together for 5 years, but we are not married. And his three weeks away -- I'm already expecting it will be a blessing.