Sunday, June 19, 2011


Upstairs, in a box on a shelf, hidden under two layers of clothes is a pair of binoculars. I took them out of Roi's suitcase before he left for his NYC, then upstate New York trip, and hid them in the box. 

There was no planning before, no thought after. I walked into the bedroom to get something, saw his open suitcase, moved a few things aside, saw the binoculars, felt a surge of rage and panic, took them out and put them in the box and then went about my business, the rush of adrenaline slowly subsiding. 

If any thoughts of the hidden binoculars entered my mind after they were mere sparks between broken wires. Am I dissociating? What is that?


  1. Oh God... I gather he had no legitimate reason to take a pair of binoculars up state. (I live just north of NYC) I feel so badly for you Briar, but I think that you ARE moving towards a better place. I think it might be like going on a long flight at night-- Without any visible markers, there is no way to really feel just how fast and far one has gone, until you've suddenly arrived, just as the sun is beginning its ascent.

  2. I don't really know why you hid the binoculars, but I can assume enough to make a reasonable guess.

    When Jermaine was fresh out of rehab (still living in a halfway house), there was a new drug on the market called serenity, or k2, that was sold in gas stations as incense that you could smoke for a high similar, supposedly, to marijuana- except it wouldn't show up in a drug test. One day, I was sitting in his car, waiting for him and I opened his center console. There, neatly tucked in a map holder thingy was a package of rolling papers and a bag of serenity. I immediately pulled out each and every paper, in a fit of adrenaline, and then put it back with the serenity.

    Al-Anon kind of taught me that if he wants to hang himself, I need to let him hang himself, even if it makes me uncomfortable. That's why I left the serenity....the bitch in me took his papers to make it a pain for him to get high. ;)

  3. Oh, I know the "reasons" I would have taken them, but I felt outside and disconnected from myself. I guess that's what I was remarking on.