I survived day 2. Saturdays are good for back to back movies.
Roi has called three times since yesterday, none of which I picked up. I listen to the messages later, numbly. I can't figure out if this utter lack of feeling is my heart protecting itself, or if I really have stopped feeling anything for him. Whatever it is I wish it translated into being my old self again, but it doesn't.
The last message said he hopes I'm feeling better every day and it doesn't seem like I'm going to call him back and that's probably wise while we're on this break and he loves me and will leave it up to me to call.
I listen, my head like a stone. I notice my stomach clench.
Y'all are on a break? I only ask because this, of all things, stood out to me.
ReplyDeleteI guess I didn't make that explicit. In our last session the couple's therapist suggested that we take this time while Roi is away as a truce and a break from the relationship. Not a breaking up, but a break for us to both have time to get perspective.
ReplyDeleteCould this be the beginning of emotional detachment? A time where your mind is preparing itself not to feel the hurt or damage he causes if he screws up or says cruel things?
ReplyDeleteOr, in my case, I went through a period known as The Void. I was empty, emotionally, dead inside and felt absolutely nothing when I was around him. No matter how much I tried to fight it, I couldn't force myself to feel anything, no anger, no sadness, just nothingness. It lasted a few days, then anger returned and that would be replaced by hurt and cycle back to something else. My therapist told me The Void was my mind's way of taking a break from all of the trauma it'd been going through. Just like we need a break after a work out session, so does our tired brain. A vacation for it. A much needed vacation from the bull.
Just a thought to ponder....
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ReplyDeleteForgot to proof read! :)
ReplyDeleteWow, wow wow!!! on so many levels. I ask myself... Now why is Roiboy calling her so much? Is it really because he loves Briar, or does he just love to hurt her? Let's see... the other day he likened her to a nuclear holocaust and now, he wants her to know that he loves her and hopes that she is feeling better? A bit confusing, isnt' it? My shrink explained this phenomenon as intermittent reinforcement (nonsense crap.)
No wonder your stomach is clenched. His actions/words are indeed, crazy making.
I'm sure that in his fekked up head he "thinks" that he loves you and "hopes" that you are feeling better, but as you have come to know... it doesn't matter what he thinks, at any given time because at any moment he can suddenly turn on you, twisting your words, thoughts, feelings and use them against you and that is pretty effin abusive.
I admire your resolve so much and the fact that you are holding onto you as a separate independent, beautiful being.
xo,
L
L - it is like a void. Intellectually I know I should be feeling something, but it doesn't break through. My brain just shuts down completely to it. The inherent problem with it is that I can't take action or heal when I'm in the void. I have to wait for the safety of therapy where I can be held and mirrored by someone outside the situation.
ReplyDeleteLexie - It is confusing, and again the void seems to be the involuntary way my mind is handling it, so I don't get stuck in the loop of trying to make sense of the crazy.