Friday, May 6, 2011

Different Shades

Roi lies, as most addicts do. No surprise there. What IS surprising is the depth and the persistent clinging to those lies, particularly for someone who goes to regular meetings (1-4 times a week), has a sponsor, and has been in "recovery" for some 7 years.

Toward the end of April, as you who read this tiny corner of the interwebs will remember, I went away for the day to spend time with family. I had invited Roi but he claimed he had too much work to do. He did in fact do this work, but a few days later when I got the report from his accountability software I learned he had viewed photos of a woman in a bikini. 

As I said then, in most relationships this would have been no big whoop, but it was highly triggering for me. 

When I was angry about it, his response was to say, "it wasn't porn", and "is your psychological life and all peace dependent on me?". 

A week or so later he left his phone downstairs when he went to bed, and while I wasn't in "scanning" mode, it was there, so I checked his internet browsing history and found a significant amount of porn from right around the same time he had viewed the bikini photos. 

Then later still I found he had downloaded videos from a site on an office computer, again, in the same time span. 

"It wasn't porn" was a lie in that it was a half-truth, or a skewed truth. No, bikini photos aren't porn, but he knew full well he had used two other devices to view and download porn. And his statement, "is your psychological life and all peace dependent on me?" was a cruel statement meant to make me feel bad while he was knowingly withholding the truth. 

I'm not an expert, but does this sound like someone in "recovery"?


  1. I've heard we aren't supposed to judge someone else's program. I guess in the same way that we aren't supposed to judge someone's relationship with God, or whatever. It's like...if that's what you do, then that's what you do, it is only harming/lying to yourself.

    Would I be doing that and consider myself in recovery? No.

    I could imagine it in a screenplay, and Roi's line would be written like this...

    "It wasn't porn." (director's note: Roi's mind automatically flips to the porn that he was looking at in time periods that sandwiched the time he looked at the girl in the bikini.)

    Fucking idiots.

    Seriously, though, I think things like this...these bread crumbs...are left for US to find our way back to where we are supposed to be.

    Like Jermaine's sister coming over and randomly dropping information that his ex was the one that did his taxes, not his aunt. It was out of place and awkward, almost comedic...especially if it was meant to do anything besides help me find my way back to where I am supposed to be.

  2. You'll love my next post then. :)

  3. To me...a would seem like he's just thinking "nope, what you actually caught me at wasn't porn, I don't have to confess what you don't see" JMHO - again - newbie here =)