Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Trigger - Road Trip

Roi feels he needs to get away so he's leaving tomorrow for a week. He's going to visit a friend who I more or less trust so I'm not particularly concerned about Roi's acting out any more radically than the usual low-grade acting out. 

But generally, Roi has used his "need to get away" as a convenient tool for acting out, most of which I only have circumstantial evidence of, but enough that I am convinced despite his denial. He denies everything I don't have direct evidence for. 

Additionally, we are dead broke at the moment and he's claiming we're going to end up in line at the food kitchen if something doesn't change soon, so it seems a little irresponsible to be taking a trip that won't add a LOT of expense, but will add some. 

Lastly, it just rubs me all kinds of wrong ways because it's more of Roi taking care of Roi, which I get you need to do in recovery, but historically Roi taking care of Roi didn't stop the acting out or all his accessory (emotionally abusive) behaviors.

I actually want him to go because I want some time to myself, but I don't like all these ways I feel about this nor the fact that no matter what words I use to bring it up he'll just twist it to try and make me feel guilty for feeling how I do.


  1. Briar,

    You know I just went through this myself last week and it was tough. D did all the wrong things in the reassurance department but remained sober and I upheld my boundary agreement when I got home.

    I know it's tough, but what boundaries do you have ready for his trip? Will you do what you suggested for me - the extra phone calls/texts what ever else it is you have in place to make you feel safe?

    You are in a very vulnerable place right now after the meeting and while the time away will allow you both to think and do some recovery work; he should still make it a priority to minimize this trigger for you.

    I just don't want you to go through the hell I went through a week ago. JMHO =)


  2. Ah yes. Well, I'm much better at giving advice than heeding it, although that's not entirely true. I think it's more true to say that it's easier for me to give advice to those in partnership with someone who's at least semi-cognizant of the fact that they have some responsibility to the wounded partner.

    Roi simply doesn't feel this way. Every act he makes is self-serving. He fancies himself generous, and he sort of is with money. But after all this, that generosity looks more and more like buying himself off, and buying his friendships. He can't or won't give with his heart or his time, so he gives money.

    So there aren't really any boundaries I can put around this. There are a few, but it won't matter to me if he's texting or calling. He always does that, even in the middle of acting out, so that's useless. What I want/need is for him is to include activities that give respect to the recovery of the relationship, but he has shown over and over his unwillingness to do that. I'm tired of forcing it, and boundaries feel like force.

  3. I've been told that when we know that they are up to no good, it really doesn't do any good to confront them. So, your lack of evidence or his denial are neither here nor there. Just go with your gut, which is right, and do what you need to do: take care of yourself.

    I've always understood boundaries to be for ourselves, not for others. Boundaries might include setting the space for reading or bathing or exercising every day regardless of what the other person is doing. Oversimplification, of course, but you know.

  4. Kelly, I'm not particularly worried that he's going to act out. I think I'm really yearning for more recognition on his part of things that are triggers for me.