Tonight I am sad.
I think that's a good thing as far as healing goes. It means I'm not angry which is my default defense position.
I started reading "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" which takes the behavior of the sex addict's spouse/partner and shines the light of trauma on it. It is the FIRST thing I've read that I feel comfortable with. I finally feel validated and sane.
Roi went to a meeting which was triggering for me. Not that he went to a meeting, but how we went about it. He also did two other things since yesterday that were highly triggering, and I decided to just address it all head on. Not let it stew and fester because I know he'll just lie, minimize, blame-shift, etc. Aaaaand, predictably, that's just what he did.
Then I unleashed. I mean I just unleashed and didn't stop for three hours. At first it was just anger and arguing, and then I just said everything I was feeling and thinking, and everything I knew, and all the evidence I was looking at, and what it all meant to me. I cried and paced and chain-smoked and it just kept coming.
He says he's calling a therapist tomorrow. I didn't express whether or not I would go but I will probably go. Not to save the relationship, but because there's a momentum now that I can't stop. A freight train of hurt hurtling right through me and all I can do is ride it.
He's gone upstairs to bed, exhausted and claiming to recognize what all this has done to me and that he has a demon inside him. I don't particularly care what he feels. I'm not capable of that anymore. But sitting here now in the dark I feel an overwhelming sadness and grief. The trajectory of my life was radically altered and I'm left in my own body but not feeling at all myself.
I'm sad that all my friends who went to the same kick-ass liberal women's college I went to are keeping true to their values and I'm not.
I'm sad that I have a career I never wanted.
I'm sad that I can't seem to pull it together.
I'm sad that I keep forgetting appointments because I'm so overtaken with recurring thoughts.
I'm sad that I'm not myself.
I'm sad that I can't remember myself.
I'm sad that I've been so deeply hurt and worry that I will never heal.
There are so many things to be sad about it's overwhelming. I'm exhausted and hollow.