Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I Should be Writing

Instead of pacing the dark hallway upstairs; a ghost who can't find peace. Instead of kneeling on the bed moaning and crying. Instead of scratching my forearm with semi-sharp tools. Instead of twisting on the inside like a tortured and trapped animal. 

I've been to a lot of meetings lately, and while they give me some relief it does nothing to validate the cause of the pain I've kept silent for so long. Everyone is calm at the meetings, aside from the occasional "share" turning to quiet sobs. I share, but only a little. More than five or so sentences and I feel my throat tighten. If I let it loosen I'll only scream, unable to put the pain into coherent words.

I've read about people who suddenly remember childhood abuse they had "forgotten", how it comes out of nowhere one day while doing the dishes, or at a therapy session, or while playing with the kids. A spinning, dizzying assault that the mind just decides it's time to release. No heads up, no warning, no time for preparing. 

It doesn't make sense, what happened here is recent. I've been living it as an adult, but under the circumstances of financial dependence, I was burying a lot. Too much, and it's all rushing in at once, roaring hurricane-like in my head and sending me into fits. Eventually it subsides, leaving my skull aching and hollow, my guts compressed, and somewhere I can't locate I feel "it" rebuilding, gathering itself up. 


  1. p.s. this is why I need therapy on top of meetings. And maybe a few primal screams unleashed in the back yard.

  2. I tried, desperately, to comment from my phone...but I couldn't. Finally, I'm at the computer and able to comment.

    The similarity I see between you and a childhood abuse survivor is that both suppressed memories and pain and trauma in the spirit of survival.

    As far as the meetings go, keep going back, different things are heard on different nights. Also, different meetings hold different spaces.

    I am sorry you are in so much turmoil right now, but I can only hope that you are on this side of the healing.

    And what about the therapy? Is that an option for you right now? Screaming sounds good, too.

  3. A good scream helps me too! Never forget, we're here for you.

  4. Kelly, therapy is an option, and I'm currently "shopping". I know it has to be the right therapist -- someone who is both gentle and firm, and where before I would have preferred a male therapist, now I definitely only want a woman therapist.

    SS, I don't know if screaming helps or not. Crying and moaning doesn't seem to. Thanks for the show of support. I'm better at the moment, but still feel very much on edge. I've been doing everything in the book to relieve it and it's keeping it at bay right now.

  5. You are writing yourself, you are doing the big work. Dig deep. Keep being here. It is beautiful to read every layer peeling back, exposing the skin to the light and wind. I feel myself showing up as a reader when I read writing where the writer has also showed up, and we meet on the edge of the page. Brava.

  6. RJ - I'm digging, and I'm hoping I'm digging for treasure, whatever it might be.