Friday, May 27, 2011

Endless Looping

I made several phone calls to therapists the other day and I've heard back from most of them. There is one in particular I want to see because she offers Neurofeedback, a treatment I've found helpful in the past to deal with ruminations, but also with my already present hyper-focus ADD which makes trauma worse. My mind needs to focus on big problems, and if there is trauma present in my life, my mind will happily focus on solving it. Trouble is, without an end to the "outer predator" inflicting trauma I can get stuck in an endless loop. Neurofeedback trains my brain directly to calm down a little, to get back in my body and out of my head, and I'm suddenly able to take care of all the little tasks that need tending to. 

I know that whatever else I do, if I can't stop the endless looping and tend to those tasks, I'll never be able to leave or decide to leave or take the steps to leave if it's what I decide. 

Roi is on his little getaway and reports that it's very good for him and he's able to work well but he misses me. I can't say it back. I don't miss him at all. I wish he would stay away forever. No break-up, no abandonment, just disappear -- dissolve like smoke in a gentle breeze. 

I'm pretty sure he's been sober of all three of his addictions for probably four weeks or so. I have no proof, just circumstantial evidence. I trust how I feel about it. Yet it doesn't make me happy, or at least as happy as he was hoping. For one thing, of course I don't trust it to last, not given the history. I've hoped too many times and I'm tired of that game. I'm tired of being Charlie Brown and him Lucy in the whole, "I swear, THIS time I won't pull the football away", game. Tired of opening myself, letting my guard down, only to find out it was all a ruse. 

Addiction beng a sickness or not, the effects are the same as any other form of emotional abuse and I'm not in the mood to forgive it or excuse it. There are so many amends to be made, and he's still not in that space of feeling like he needs to make more amends, and I'm still firmly in that place of needing serious and thorough amends before I'll even consider opening the doors so much as a sliver.

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