I've taken a multi-pronged approach to my recovery that includes this blog, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens, online recovery support, Women Who Run with the Wolves, and another recovery book with clear tasks focused on recovering creativity but a general recovery book nonetheless. Roi and I are seeing a couple's therapist, and I'll be adding therapy and neurofeedback in the next few weeks.
So where are the meetings? I go to those here and there too, but I'll be the first to admit, commitment to meetings is lacking. Two major issues keep me from committing. First, and especially for s-anon, everyone there is too raw and without a good stretch of recovery under their belt, at least around here. Walking into those meetings means I'll sit with a handful of women who are new to the trauma, and sometimes I just can't deal with their pain. The other major issue I have is that the minute I hear any of the readings all I hear is how this is my fault, and considering that every addict in my life has used this tactic to escape accountability it just feels wrong. Plain wrong. Every cell in my body starts screaming, "get the fuck out of here, DANGER!"
What is lacking in recovery for those affected by addiction in their loved ones is a recognition of the NEW trauma. That feels dangerous to me because it is just another group of people telling me to stop listening to my instincts.
Put another way... the addict engages in behavior that is not normal according to standard human codes. I'm not even referring to the substance (whatever it may be) abuse, I'm talking about all the behaviors that surround the addiction in order to protect it. Lies, deception, gaslighting, manipulation, emotional abuse, bullying, boundary crossing, etc. Normal people have emotional responses to such behavior that include confusion, disorientation, anger, sadness, etc. So the addict is taught to restore his/her behavior to be more in line with "normal" human behavior, while the affected parties are taught to ignore the standard responses and learn how to act, in a sense, abnormally. Detach, let go, and don't be affected by the behavior of someone you hold dear, or at the very least someone who is in your immediate circle of influence and whose behaviors affect your life in concrete ways.
Having studied Buddhism, this advice isn't all bad. But the way it is presented is.
I know there are those who would read this and think, "her intellect is getting in the way", and perhaps it is. Still, having suppressed by instinctual feelings for the sake of love and hope has resulted in a lot of wreckage in my psyche, so for now this is where I am. Unwilling to let others tell me that I need to once again turn away from what my gut is telling me.