Friday, May 6, 2011

"These Sentences are How I Solve the Problem of Myself"

I borrowed that title from a line in this sonnet

As I revisit my writing in journals, here, and elsewhere, I see that I often revisit the "problem of Roi", which ultimately is the "problem of myself". 

In the codependent model, obsessing on the behavior of the addict is a sign of one's sickness. In the trauma model, and from my own experience, my visits to Roi's behavior is an attempt to get an accurate picture of what I'm truly dealing with. Especially given that I'm living and working with him. 

What he tells me paints a very different picture from what I see with my own eyes, and yet if I don't look with my own eyes, I begin to believe Roi's words. The brain is just wired like that. And this is dangerous to my well-being not because of the lies, which are bad enough in their own right, but because in order to protect his lies he also uses several crazy-making tactics that are deeply harmful to my well-being. 

Previous to now I would make a discovery, there would be a blow up, and then I would try to forget. In the interims between my checking up on the truth of matters, I would forget, but if Roi was acting out it meant he was also mind-fucking me in some way. Thus, my not being privy to or aware of his behaviors doesn't mean I wasn't subject to his other "abuses" which are subtle and complex. 

Gathering it all up and pasting the pieces together to get a full picture has been painful, rusty razor blades in the stomach painful, but it is also peeling away all the levels of deception and crazy and I feel my inner power growing stronger and grounding itself in the process.

These two passage from Women Who Run With the Wolves explain well what I've been through, and the path now: 

"The normalizing of the abnormal even when there is clear evidence that it is to one's own detriment to do so applies to all battering of the physical, emotional, creative, spiritual, and instinctive natures. Women face this issue any time they are stunned into doing anything less than defending their soul-lives from invasive projections, cultural, psychic, or otherwise."

"Yet, when one sees and senses thusly, then one has to work to do something about what one sees. To possess good intuition, goodly power, causes work. It causes work firstly in the watching and comprehending of negative forces and imbalances both inward and outward. Secondly, it causes striving in the gathering up of will in order to do something about what one sees, be it for good, for balance, or to allow something to die."


  1. I've been searching for the right word since the middle of the afternoon to describe how that last paragraph made me feel.

    I think I finally found it. This last paragraph, especially, made me feel validated.

    I wish someone had once, just once, said to me...of course that is what you are going through. It makes perfect sense, read this paragraph, see?...then I would have felt less wrong and sick and more empowered.

    I guess that is what is happening now, through you, here. That is why I feel validated. You, too, and your actions. They are valid and purposeful and methodical. Do you feel validated?

  2. BTW, before I even saw your comment, I checked and my library does have a copy of this book. I'm going to check it out tomorrow.

  3. And I struggle with watching women writhe in confusion and pain as the world refuses to validate what their soul's know to be true. This pain is perhaps much greater, much more insidious, and ultimately more harmful than the initial wounds.

    I've no doubt you will find your way, and I don't think it will be through a summer hobby (forgive me for saying so), but through entering into your own deep waters, discovering your truths, and surrounding yourself with the precious few who are able and willing to let you be who you are fully.

    Locate your voice inside, and listen to it. The "negative" voices are not actually your own.

  4. Crazy making is so debilitating. One of the reasons my recovery community is so important to me is that I depend on their feedback to help me decide whether I'm seeing what really is or whether I'm projecting or misinterpreting.

    That's not to say that I accept all feedback as more valid than my own observations, just that I think we all need reality checks from people we can count on to tell us the truth, not just what we want to hear.

    I loved Women who Run With the Wolves when I read it years ago! I'm definitely going to reread it!

  5. Gentle Path - I agree, it is very important to have a network of people you can rely on to help you put things in perspective. For me, I have found what I need more in two pivotal books: Your Sexually Addicted Spouse which acknowledges and addresses the trauma aspect of discovery/disclosure, and Women Who Run With the Wolves which addresses the deep psyche patterns that can be made sick when the woman is cut off from her own instincts as a result of both inner and outer factors.

    Thank you for your comment. :) I hope you are well.