I borrowed that title from a line in this sonnet.
As I revisit my writing in journals, here, and elsewhere, I see that I often revisit the "problem of Roi", which ultimately is the "problem of myself".
In the codependent model, obsessing on the behavior of the addict is a sign of one's sickness. In the trauma model, and from my own experience, my visits to Roi's behavior is an attempt to get an accurate picture of what I'm truly dealing with. Especially given that I'm living and working with him.
What he tells me paints a very different picture from what I see with my own eyes, and yet if I don't look with my own eyes, I begin to believe Roi's words. The brain is just wired like that. And this is dangerous to my well-being not because of the lies, which are bad enough in their own right, but because in order to protect his lies he also uses several crazy-making tactics that are deeply harmful to my well-being.
Previous to now I would make a discovery, there would be a blow up, and then I would try to forget. In the interims between my checking up on the truth of matters, I would forget, but if Roi was acting out it meant he was also mind-fucking me in some way. Thus, my not being privy to or aware of his behaviors doesn't mean I wasn't subject to his other "abuses" which are subtle and complex.
Gathering it all up and pasting the pieces together to get a full picture has been painful, rusty razor blades in the stomach painful, but it is also peeling away all the levels of deception and crazy and I feel my inner power growing stronger and grounding itself in the process.
These two passage from Women Who Run With the Wolves explain well what I've been through, and the path now:
"The normalizing of the abnormal even when there is clear evidence that it is to one's own detriment to do so applies to all battering of the physical, emotional, creative, spiritual, and instinctive natures. Women face this issue any time they are stunned into doing anything less than defending their soul-lives from invasive projections, cultural, psychic, or otherwise."
"Yet, when one sees and senses thusly, then one has to work to do something about what one sees. To possess good intuition, goodly power, causes work. It causes work firstly in the watching and comprehending of negative forces and imbalances both inward and outward. Secondly, it causes striving in the gathering up of will in order to do something about what one sees, be it for good, for balance, or to allow something to die."