Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Light Goes Out

It's getting downright eerie how every time I open WWRWW there is right away a sentence in the section I'm on that perfectly describes and explains where I am in the present.

Yesterday I was feeling like I had lost my footing. That the progress I was feeling had disappeared. I tentatively posited that it may be related to Roi's stepping up in his recovery. I didn't ask him to do this, he did it on his own, but I'm sure that my moving toward leaving helped prompt it. Either way, I was intuiting that this action on his part was not jiving well with my progress. It would suggest some hope that he'll find genuine sobriety and become a better person -- that the lying might stop, the acting out, the selfish behaviors. 

His amping up on recovery was coinciding with my amping up on "seeing the truth" for what it was, but his new actions changed the truth I was seeing and interrupted my being able to process my feelings about it. 

Last night before bed I picked up WWRWW where I had left off and two pages in, this: 
Women who try to make their deeper feelings invisible are deadening themselves. The light goes out. It is a painful form of suspended animation. 
Precisely describes how I'm feeling and why. My deeper feelings about Roi involve hurt and the wrong-doings that led to that hurt. He was my outer predator, but I hadn't been willing to fully face that before because I kept holding on to hope. When I washed the veils of hope away, entered the Killing Room, and saw the carnage for what it was, I was building the psychic energy required to fight back, to save myself. Roi's new dedication to wellness introduces hope again and I don't want it right now. But because it is there, I've suppressed everything again, and now hang out in the dead zone, painfully suspended. 

What next, is the question. 

I must go back to the Killing Room and find my own bones, collect them up, and move them to safety.


  1. OMG. I have not read this book, but you are describing where I have been, sadly, for years now. Frozen in a kind of suspended animation, waiting for...what? I could well believe that I need to revisit the scene of the crime and retrieve my bones. Is it fear that keeps me from getting this book and reading it?


  2. Visi - I do recommend the book. She repeats herself a lot, and some critique her "sentence structure" (i.e. poor writing) but I and many others have found it to be one of the best descriptions of the female psyche. And for me it's been better than any other recovery book I've read so far.

    If you get it, I would love to hear your thoughts.