It's getting downright eerie how every time I open WWRWW there is right away a sentence in the section I'm on that perfectly describes and explains where I am in the present.
Yesterday I was feeling like I had lost my footing. That the progress I was feeling had disappeared. I tentatively posited that it may be related to Roi's stepping up in his recovery. I didn't ask him to do this, he did it on his own, but I'm sure that my moving toward leaving helped prompt it. Either way, I was intuiting that this action on his part was not jiving well with my progress. It would suggest some hope that he'll find genuine sobriety and become a better person -- that the lying might stop, the acting out, the selfish behaviors.
His amping up on recovery was coinciding with my amping up on "seeing the truth" for what it was, but his new actions changed the truth I was seeing and interrupted my being able to process my feelings about it.
Last night before bed I picked up WWRWW where I had left off and two pages in, this:
Women who try to make their deeper feelings invisible are deadening themselves. The light goes out. It is a painful form of suspended animation.
Precisely describes how I'm feeling and why. My deeper feelings about Roi involve hurt and the wrong-doings that led to that hurt. He was my outer predator, but I hadn't been willing to fully face that before because I kept holding on to hope. When I washed the veils of hope away, entered the Killing Room, and saw the carnage for what it was, I was building the psychic energy required to fight back, to save myself. Roi's new dedication to wellness introduces hope again and I don't want it right now. But because it is there, I've suppressed everything again, and now hang out in the dead zone, painfully suspended.
What next, is the question.
I must go back to the Killing Room and find my own bones, collect them up, and move them to safety.