Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Dreams and Glorious Relief

This morning before I woke I had a long, rich dream. I was in a foreign land, starting my life over. I spent most of my time in an open market square filled with colorful people and things and sounds. I smiled a lot. I felt as if I were floating on a serene cloud taking it all in. 

In the dream I was attending classes at a college. In the hallway one day I ran into a man and felt an instant attraction. He was unlike anyone I had previously been attracted to, but there it was. He was a medical student, and when we crossed paths for the first time he was wearing scrubs. His dirty-blond hair was just this side of shaggy, the mark of someone whose work was more important than his fashion. His aura was rugged and buoyant. 

We spent the next couple of days attached at the hip when not in classes, enjoying each other immensely, though no physical intimacy passed between us except for the way our heads would touch, or our hips would bounce off the other's as we walked along laughing and talking. 

We shared one class, and I assumed we would sit together, but instead I saw him at the front of the class sitting with another woman, and what's more, he seemed as intimately close to her as he had been with me these last days. Their heads touched as they talked and laughed. 

I tried to leave the class room, but realized I couldn't. 

The dream ended there, and it's not terribly shocking is it? Another dream about "what it seems is not what it is". Except I woke up feeling calm. My mind had unclenched. And it was glorious! 

Though this dream runs along a recurring theme of duplicity, there was something different. I didn't feel so overwhelmingly shocked at this man's duplicity so much as I felt an "oh". Simple as that. It is the same message of duplicity, but with a slightly different message and I can't help but feel that my painful work has indeed freed my deeper inner instincts to once again do their job properly. They are pulsing strong, taking the reins, and I am being returned to my own center.


  1. "His aura was rugged and buoyant."

    Could he have been a friend? The word buoyant reminds me of friendship.

    I also ask because there is a guy in one of my classes that I clicked pretty well with, but he is married. The fact that he is married allows me a safe space in which there is no flirting, but we banter and are close like friends. The 'friendship' protects me when things about him are revealed that would usually be very disheartening.

    I like the idea that your instincts are free and running around, doing their job.

  2. Hmmm, I don't know, but I don't think so. I think it was more that my inner voice was showing me that there will still be duplicitous people, but if I pay attention I'll recognize it for what it is.

  3. Hey, I guess they are still working on blogger, but I wanted you to know that I read your 'Rotten Meat' and 'Steps' posts and I've been meaning and trying to comment on both of them ever since.

    As far as the 'Rotten Meat' post, I just wanted to commend you for how well you showed in that post...your writing was so descriptive. I could feel the tension and your physical reaction to him.

    And as far as the steps that you are taking, good job. It is hard, but you can do it. I think it costs us more to stay than it does to go and be on our own.

    I remember when I made the decision that forced my hand into leaving. For a brief moment in time, I was homeless with an infant because I didn't want to put up with emotional abuse any more.

    "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." MLK Jr.

  4. Ugh, I'm really upset that blogger seems to have deleted my posts! I liked that "rotten meat" post!

  5. I'm following Blogger on twitter, and this is all supposed to be resolved sometime this weekend so your post should be back. If not, I have it in google worst comes to worse, I can cut and paste and email it to you.