Apparently Roi has entered the oh-my-gosh-this-is-what-feeling-is-like stage. I've read that addicts coming into genuine recovery start to notice their feelings, especially their bad feelings, having removed all the addictive coping behaviors previously used to escape from them. Roi's been increasingly irritable over the last week, especially when he's just engaged in some positive activity that is supposed to help such as going to the gym.
Where before he was never the one to get pissy or angry (which only served to fuel MY anger more) he is now quick to ignite. Not that he's raging, but that he's got zero patience for what's bothering him. It's interesting but not pleasant.
Meanwhile, I escaped his bad mood and went to the bookstore for a few hours where I got sucked into the book, "Get Me Out of Here", a true account of a woman healing from Borderline Personality Disorder in her words. It is riveting, and a little terrifying. I once read the symptoms of BPD and ever since have been worried that I'm walking around with this disorder and don't know it, because, you know, the crazy don't know they're crazy.
I'm going to be seeing a neurofeedback therapist in the next few weeks (as soon as I get word on the status of my health insurance review) and I think I'm going to bring this up with her. On one hand, Estes and Marion Woodman explain my rage in a way that makes perfect sense, and stuff I've read on PTSD as well as in relation to being in partnership with a sex addict also explains the rage AND the remedy, still...
There's more work to do. This growth and recovery thing is kind of exhausting.
I've heard, too, that things get worse when the addict is no longer 'using' and is forced to use healthy coping skills because they are not well-practiced skills. Lucky for me, Jermaine never got too far into recovery. ;)
ReplyDeleteSo, I just read about BPD in a very old DSM-III and then online on the NIMH page and, wow. Actually a little surprised someone hasn't diagnosed me as such.
I won't say that on the whole things are worse. I would rather, I suppose, see his real moods than the fake him he so often presented to me. The fake him that was always cool, calm, collected and had it together. The fake him that would smile at me and tell me he missed me when I was away even though minutes before he could've been cruising Craigslist for erotic massage providers.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks that he's all moody now, but at least I have some sense of what he's thinking, or that he can feel something.
Don't be too quick to self-diagnose yourself with BPD. I don't know you intimately enough AND I'm not a professional, so I can't say one way or the other, but it's a pretty severe disorder with some very clear characteristics.